I wonder sometimes about God’s love. I wonder at the shear expanse of it, how it stretches so far - far beyond my doubts and my fears and my useless fretting and my mistakes. It’s a love that covers all. I look at myself, how I vacillate between this young woman dancing and praising, totally on fire for God and this young woman in tears, exhausted by worry and unfounded fear and unbelief, a total basket case so full of doubt as if I had never witnessed God’s tremendous power and I wonder… How is it that He loves me? And I suppose if I could understand, if I did feel worthy, His love wouldn’t be nearly as wonderful. It’s the way that He keeps loving me through it all, even the moments I’m ashamed of, the moments of selfishness and unbelief and pride and self pity and bitterness, even when I refuse help and go off on my own, stumbling all the way. It’s when He loves me even so that I am blown away, and I am changed, little by little, transformed. I’m bloodied, bruised, and broken, and often it’s my own fault, yet He lifts me up and embraces me and sets me a right again… and again, and again. Let’s just add it to the list of the million things I don’t understand. Grace when I have none, and grace not just from Him, but from His people who are willing to put up with me! And I pray it changes me. I pray God’s patience and His people’s patience will chip away at my self-centeredness. I pray it will teach me to love like He does - through everything, in forgiveness. It’s humbling, this journey, and that’s a good thing. Costly and painful, but good. I’m so thankful to be learning, and for the faithfulness of those who love me and see me not as I am, but as I will be, and I pray I can be faithful too. I can’t say I understand how to balance life and emotions, how to deal with what God’s doing and what I need to do. I can only trust that we’re progressing and He’s working in and maturing me. “’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.” His love is a like a hurricane and I, like a tree, bend beneath the weight of it. I bend, but I do not break. Praise God!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Thoughts on God's Love
I wrote this months ago, but recent circumstances have me thinking about it once again, though in a deeper and more real way than when I wrote it. I'll say again, life is a spiral staircase. I'm blown away by God's love because it is so constant. He is so faithful and so forgiving. I'm so... not. Let's be real. I can say a lot of great things. God can even work through me in mighty ways. But the truth is on my own I'm a mess. Yet somehow, He keeps loving and He keeps working and refining and chipping away. He fills my empty words. He keeps teaching me. He extends so much more grace than I deserve, so much more forgiveness and mercy. My greatest prayer tonight is that I would learn to extend that same grace to those around me. God's love should change me. And as long as I'm on this earth, there will always be areas where I NEED God's love to come and change me. That's okay. I don't need to have it all together. There is always room for transformation. Praise God I'm never just stuck where I am! BUT that statement is true for everyone around me as well. We ALL need grace and understanding. I pray that I'll remember that and begin to live it.