Sunday, March 27, 2011

Even Here

I was going through an old journal and I found this poem. I felt like it went pretty well with my last post. Enjoy!

Even Here

There is no silence
There is no music
There is only noise
Rushing and swirling
Like a raging sea
I can’t hear Your voice
I can’t feel Your touch
Are You even speaking?
Are You even reaching?
Are you even here?
It doesn’t take much
To make me feel like
All the joy and love I once felt
Is gone forever
It doesn’t take much
To make me feel like
This raucous noise
Will hide Your voice
But once again
I’m slowly realizing
Once again
As Your light shines
I’m finding
Even here in the madness
You’re my God
Even here in the raucous
You’re my Song
Even here in the chaos
That comes with this life
You’re here
And You’re reaching
You’re here
And You’re speaking
Even here.
Stephanie M. Frakes
(August 30, 2009)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

An Ecclesiates State of Mind

This post is more a chance for me to process than anything else, but here goes. I feel like I'm in a constant battle. Like every day is this struggle to keep from getting swept away by this current of chaos and busyness that is "life." I feel like so much of my time is spent just trying to keep my head above water. I hate this lifestyle, these 18-19 hour days with schedules so jam packed I don't even have time to breathe, much less process all these things I'm supposed to be learning. Who decided this was okay? Who decided that running nonstop was a good idea? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who isn't happy with this?

I love turning to the book of Ecclesiastes when I feel this way. It helps me realize that, contrary to what the enemy would like me to believe, I'm not alone. Here a few verses that I'm really relating to right now:

All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. (1:8)

My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun (2:10b-11)

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. (2:17)

All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless. (2:23)

So here I am. Weary. Frustrated. Joyless. Tired. Yes, I'm even a bit grouchy. And I'm realizing that this is one of Satan's most powerful weapons: causing the people of God to chase after the wind. Making us hate life, because we touch nothing real or lasting. Making us feel like everything is meaningless. Causing us to go numb. Letting us dig ourselves into a pit of cynicism. Stealing our joy. And, in so doing, rendering us useless.

It IS a constant battle! It's a battle to cling to God's truth, to remember the wonders of who God is and all He has done for us. It's a battle against the lies that say we are sufficient in ourselves (or should be), and to surrender to the Holy Spirit. In times like this, I am so quick to forget how BLESSED I am! I am a child of God, and have received every spiritual blessing in Christ! I will not allow the world, the flesh, or the Devil to distract me from that. By the grace of God, I will walk in that truth. I can't change the way life is. I can't change the demands. I can, however, change my focus. I can stop relying on myself and rely on Christ in me, my hope of glory. I can realize I'm in a battle, take on the armor of the Lord, and FIGHT. I can deny my pride, fall on my knees, and receive the peace, and love, and grace, and mercy that I don't deserve. I can stop trying to figure out life (because my human mind could never understand anyway) and just live it! And not just live it, but live it to the fullest, enjoying it, because I know that God is good and powerful and in complete control. "Remember your Creator," Ecclesiastes says. Chasing after the wind is meaningless. Work is meaningless... unless you remember your Creator.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I haven't felt much like writing the last month or so. Words just haven't seemed to come. I'm not going to lie, it's scared me. It's not like me to not have words. This poem is a sort of stream of consciousness of what God has been speaking to me recently. I'm not sure if it will make sense to anyone else, but we'll see. Here's what I'm learning: words are not the most important thing. Being able to explain and predict what God is doing and going to do in my life isn't important. It's about being humble enough to relinquish control, and to accept and enjoy His blessings rather than endeavoring to deserve them. It's about trusting Him completely, and intentionally seeking Him and chasing His heart. God is good. I am His child. Through Christ I have found freedom and victory. These are the things that really matter.

I’m never more afraid
Than when words seem to escape,
And nothing can explain
My feelings.
And so I fall on my knees,
And I weep.
The tears express a need
So deep
I cannot speak
Or even think.
I feel words leave.
A lack of clarity
Overwhelms me,
But maybe
That’s where I should be.
Maybe words aren’t as important
As I so often think.
Maybe clarity of vision
Isn’t really what I need.
Maybe it’s all about trusting.
Trusting Your plans for me.
Trusting my identity
As Your child.
Trusting Your goodness and control
Over things I’ll never know.
Maybe it’s a willingness
To let go.
To savor blessings
I know
I could never deserve,
Beyond the reach
Of my control.
To chase Your heart.
To let you love me.
That’s what you have for me.
Stephanie M. Frakes
(March 15, 2011)

Friday, March 4, 2011

My Sweetest Dream

My Sweetest Dream
I don’t know what to do with all of this.
There are moments
When it all just seems right,
And everything fits.
But when that dazzling sunset’s over
Bringing an end to all that bliss
And the sense of empowerment
That comes with it
These shadows of a vision
Scare me.
And I feel weak.
And the enemy
Makes nightmares
Of my dreams.
And Hope seems
To fade.
And I can’t see any way
To believe.
The darkness haunts me,
And all that I can do
Is wait.
How long, oh Lord,
Must I wait?
Wait for another sunrise?
Wait for Hope to be revived?
Do You even hear my cries?
Begging for a way
To release all that stirs inside
This passionate heart of mine.
Oh, but it’s not mine, is it?
It’s Yours.
I’m all Yours.
Past, future, present
Dreams, will, and vision
It isn’t
At all what it seems.
You love me.
You hear me.
Though I may feel confined
Soon I’ll find
As I wait for morning’s light
Your grace is sufficient
For me.
Your forever love
Is my greatest destiny.
And You, my Love,
Are my sweetest dream.
Stephanie M. Frakes
(December 30, 2010)