Monday, July 29, 2013

Even Here, Even Now - One at a Time

So I am packing my bag, preparing for a week of camp.  I'm reading updates on Ann's Uganda trip.  #FarmgirlsinAfrica  I've got China spinning in the brain and beating in the heart.  And these cries to pour out this one life and live selflessly.  And the weight of this next week is not lost on me.  Loaves and fishes for such a time as this.  And yes.  I would like to live big, to write a book, for thousands to know my name, to fly across the globe and have people say I am reshaping culture.  Who doesn't dream of fame? Of being noticed and known?  Who hasn't, at least for a moment, thought that would just be so cool to sign books and speak truth in front of thousands and shape history? (Or maybe it really is just me....)

But as loud as the dreams may call, there is the call to live small.  So I am humbled, deeply humbled tonight as I consider that maybe... maybe God might choose me to be a vessel.  Such an honor!  A vessel for the week to love high school students.  Training me over the next three weeks to become a better teacher to serve children, and by doing that, to glorify Him.  She wrote it in her card to me, soon after I had said my goodbyes at my first school, "By serving students, you glorify God."  Ah.  Yes.

By serving _______, you glorify God! Right where you are.  For such a time as this.

One at a time.  One child.  One person.  One day.  One task.  One moment at a time, I could be an instrument of Grace... Now.

I am blessed.  I can bless.  One at a time.

When I am overwhelmed by dreams I wish I could accomplish and by the reality of all that I must do, I can only live One. At. A. Time.

The delusions of grandeur fade quickly, and my one wild life grows small in His hands.  And it is small things with great love.  Yes, even here, even now, my life can mean something.  If I listen and live one at a time.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Five Minute Friday - Broken

I'm joining a sort of writing flash mob today.  Apparently it's been going on for over a year and I just heard about it and couldn't resist giving it a try and this is why: "It started because I’d been thinking about writing and how often our perfectionism gets in the way of our words. And I figured, why not take 5 minutes and see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing."  Yeah.  Perfectionism gets in the way of a lot.  So here it goes... This weeks prompt is "broken."


The word automatically brings tears to my eyes.  I read it and this solemnity falls over me.  BROKEN.  How do I write about that in five minutes?  It's a word that I use so often.  Broken.  This world is broken.  My heart has been broken.  If it is broken again, will I recover?  Should I spend my one wild life in safety to avoid being broken?  And my mind is flashing back now...

I took the bread.  I was at a new church.  Usually they had the wafers ready for you.  Little bite-sized nuggets of the Body.  At this church, though, they passed the plate and I had to break off a piece of the unleavened bread for myself.  Oh and how that moved me!  "My body, broken for you," He said.  "Broken so that you might be made whole.  Broken so that you never have to fear the brokenness you face.  Broken to save and to redeem and to promise you new Life.  My body, broken so that you might remember that I am all about making broken things whole.  I am all about restoring this world.  I am all about saving and loving and healing and comforting.  Do this in remembrance of Me!  Break this bread and remember that you don't need to protect yourself because I will protect you."

And I take the bread and I remember.  And I don't fear being broken.


Five Minute Friday

Monday, July 22, 2013

Above the Noise - Sing Out Loud

I struggle so much to believe some days.  To believe that all the things I long to hear, God is speaking over me.  That I am loved and desirable and enough and beautiful. That who I am is worthy and I needn't be afraid of losing.  I. Am. The beloved.  And that is enough.

How hard it is to believe and live in that!  To really walk in that security.  And I feel like I need a break through, like I am trapped by my own thoughts and the voices in my head.  The voices that say "It's only a matter of time before you mess this up."  "You'll never be good enough."  "You'll never be wanted."  "Your heart will be broken again... and you will never recover."  SO MANY LIES!

And I know the Truth.  And it's a part of my morning routine.  Coffee in the cup holder, key in the ignition, radio on.  And I sing all my favorite songs on the way to work.  And when I hit that left hand exit that takes me off I20, I turn the radio down and I start quoting those Scriptures one by one by one.  And I have found it to be the best way to prepare for the day.  But it's so easy to forget.  The Sanity Manifesto tends to go out the window when the noise is so insane, and it's so easy to stop rehearsing the refrain when you're struggling to believe... when the route and the routine have changed.  And I have a choice to make.

Will I let the voices drown out the song?  Will I choose fear?  Will I let anxiety sweep me off my feet?

Or will I choose Truth and Life and Joy? I have this Song - will sing it?

YES!  I will sing.  Right here, right now, out loud. Because the enemy is vanquished by a hymn.  And when it is hardest, that is when we sing loudest.  If we are to rise above the noise in victory, we must sing out loud! So I pull out the journal, and I scrawl it in ink right under where I've written about the lies that haunt me... and I read it over and over out loud:

I am complete in Christ.  I have been made whole.  His grace makes my loaves and fishes life enough.  He is in control and redeems even my failures.  He holds my heart, even when it breaks.  He is a comforter and a healer.  I. AM. LOVED!  The Cross screams it across time and history.  He sings it over me as He rejoices.  I will allow this God, so mighty to save, to quiet me with His love, and I will believe that He delights in me.  ALWAYS.  

And I breathe Grace in deep, open the hands to Peace, as I opened the mouth to speak Victory Truth out loud.  Because to rise above the noise, I must sing out loud.