I struggle so much to believe some days. To believe that all the things I long to hear, God is speaking over me. That I am loved and desirable and enough and beautiful. That who I am is worthy and I needn't be afraid of losing. I. Am. The beloved. And that is enough.
How hard it is to believe and live in that! To really walk in that security. And I feel like I need a break through, like I am trapped by my own thoughts and the voices in my head. The voices that say "It's only a matter of time before you mess this up." "You'll never be good enough." "You'll never be wanted." "Your heart will be broken again... and you will never recover." SO MANY LIES!
And I know the Truth. And it's a part of my morning routine. Coffee in the cup holder, key in the ignition, radio on. And I sing all my favorite songs on the way to work. And when I hit that left hand exit that takes me off I20, I turn the radio down and I start quoting those Scriptures one by one by one. And I have found it to be the best way to prepare for the day. But it's so easy to forget. The Sanity Manifesto tends to go out the window when the noise is so insane, and it's so easy to stop rehearsing the refrain when you're struggling to believe... when the route and the routine have changed. And I have a choice to make.
Will I let the voices drown out the song? Will I choose fear? Will I let anxiety sweep me off my feet?
Or will I choose Truth and Life and Joy? I have this Song - will sing it?
YES! I will sing. Right here, right now, out loud. Because the enemy is vanquished by a hymn. And when it is hardest, that is when we sing loudest. If we are to rise above the noise in victory, we must sing out loud! So I pull out the journal, and I scrawl it in ink right under where I've written about the lies that haunt me... and I read it over and over out loud:
I am complete in Christ. I have been made whole. His grace makes my loaves and fishes life enough. He is in control and redeems even my failures. He holds my heart, even when it breaks. He is a comforter and a healer. I. AM. LOVED! The Cross screams it across time and history. He sings it over me as He rejoices. I will allow this God, so mighty to save, to quiet me with His love, and I will believe that He delights in me. ALWAYS.
And I breathe Grace in deep, open the hands to Peace, as I opened the mouth to speak Victory Truth out loud. Because to rise above the noise, I must sing out loud.