The kids are taking exams right now, so I have quite a bit of time to simply think. The last couple of days I’ve just wanted to sit and weep. I’m looking at the faces of all these children. I’m going through all these pictures. I’m processing all these memories. I’m preparing to go home. And I’m struck by how messed up the world is. I love these kids so much. They are all so beautiful and so full of joy and so valuable… so special. They are smart and funny and each has their own precious personality. They are children of God. They are God’s little boys and girls, and they have become my babies too. They have stolen my heart. And my heart breaks because I can’t save them. I don’t know what’s going to happen to them. Some will be adopted and will find great homes and be loved. But what about the rest of them? What about Michael who is one of the smartest, most talented children I’ve met, but only has two more years before he can no longer be adopted? What about Guo Guo and Hannah and Sam and Christina? What will happen to them? What opportunities will they have? Yes, they are in a great place here. They have people who care for them. They are learning and growing. Bethel is not a perfect place – it is run by humans – but it is better than so many here in China or around the world. What happens when Bethel can no longer care for these kids? What happens when they grow up? And what of the thousands of orphans around the rest of China? What will happen to them? How broken and messed up is our world that these precious little ones who deserve everything have so few opportunities? Everything in me wants to sweep all of them up and take them home with me and love them, but that’s impossible. There’s only so much I can do, and that makes me feel so helpless. I feel so small. I wonder what difference my coming and my going really makes. I want to be able to rescue them, and I can’t. And so I pray, and I try to place these precious children in God’s hands, remembering that He loves them more perfectly and deeply than I ever could. I trust that, even though this world seems a mess, though so much feels broken and hopeless and unfair, that does not mean that God is not still sovereign and in control. I will live to be available for however He might use me, and I will pray that He will cause others to rise up as His instruments to bring these children a hope and a future. I can’t save them all, but my God is sovereign over all. And so, as my time here nears its end, I learn a different facet of faith. I came here in the faith that God would use me and take care of me, that He would give me strength and keep me safe and help me to serve well and to find contentment and joy and peace in Him. I came exercising faith that He is my Supreme Provider, and I would stand in awe and live for Him. I will leave exercising faith that He is the Supreme Provider for all, and I will stand in awe and live for Him and trust Him to provide for all those I so deeply love. Yes, I am coming face to face with the Supremacy of God and my need to place everything in His hands.
I have no doubts that I was supposed to be here. I believe that God used me to accomplish something. I believe that God accomplished things in my heart I can’t even put words to yet. I believe He has sealed in my heart (as if He hadn’t done so before) a passion to serve Him, to live for Him, to give everything over, to one day adopt and to do my part to make a difference in this situation, even if for only one child. And I know that these children will be okay. I know that God is good and capable of all things. I know He has brought and will continue to bring the right people to make a difference here. I think of the new Beijing Project and the fact that the kids will be moving on and attending the Blind School in Beijing. I rejoice in the continuing work of Bethel, imperfect as it is. I rejoice for the chance to have been even a small part of this mission. More than anything, I rejoice in the glory and majesty of God, our Savior. It is so easy to get discouraged over the fact that all of this is just one drop in the bucket. It is easy to feel defeated, to feel like the enemy has won, but these are lies! They are lies from the pit of Hell. Jesus conquered the grave. He conquered sin, and He conquered death. Our God reigns victorious. We are not defeated. The brokenness will not be forever. And so we continue to move forward in faith, allowing ourselves to be used of God, because He can make a difference and bring cleansing and healing to this broken and messed up world one drop at a time.
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