I whisper it out loud to myself, as I stand from the computer. Why are you leaning in so close? And then I laugh. Yes, because I'm talking to myself in an empty classroom, but also because there is deep truth right there waiting for me. I'm leaning in close because I'm bone weary and I need to see.
No, I can't seem to see straight these days, because the pain is all too real. Her words cut deep and I know mine did too and well that just makes me feel like a failure. And when God told me that 2014 would be the year to trust I didn't know the learning curve would be quite this steep. Because when the ones you love are hurting, and hurting you, and there's nothing you can do, and you really just don't know, it's hard to tell which way is up.
And so it is that: I have to lean in close to see. And God said it to me clear that day, "Press into me child. I want you. I love you. Press into me." And then it was clear that trust is the very pressing into God and the opening up to adventure. The unclenching of the fists to receive grace and give grace. And I have to lean in close to hear the beating of His heart because the war drums are about to right drown it out. I have to lean close to hear the whispered words of love because my words aren't always love and neither are hers and neither are the ones in my head. I have to lean in close.