31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 31 - FMF: Leave

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It's the things that leave you speechless that matter the most.  The things that you can't quite put words to.  It's the laughter and the light through the leave and the sound of children's voices.  It's the memories you can never quite leave behind, and would never want to.  It's the realization that you can feel like you and nothing left to give or do or say and yet whenever you choose faithfulness instead of walking away, He never leaves you empty.  It's they way He'll swoop in with His grace and will never leave you the same.  It's the way the stars can leave you breathless or the Spirit and hold your angry tongue.  It's the things that leave you speechless that matter the most.  It's falling into bed at the end of the day and waking up to something new.  It's feeling mercy you don't deserve and learning lessons that will change you forever.  It's learning to walk like Him and talk like Him and see Him make a difference through you.  Of all the words I've written this month some of them may have been good.  There are some great truths and beautiful thoughts... but it's the things that leave you speechless that matter the most.

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31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 24 - FMF: Dare

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Hey you, I  don't know if you know this but you are pretty brave.  Every day of your life is full of daring and death-defying feats.  Like getting out of bed and choosing to smile when you don't feel like it.  Like doing it all again just one more time.  Like driving to work and choosing to love those kids and those co-workers even if they make it hard.  Like putting one foot in front of the other and putting yourself out there and sharing ideas and trying to make a difference.  You may think we don't see it.  You may think that your life is boring, humdrum, anything but a grand adventure.  You're wrong.  You're shaking up this world because He's moving through you.  You're leaving a little bit of His grace everywhere you go and we need that so much.  Your prayers, they matter.  The things you dare to bring to His throne of grace and lay down?  The things you dare to cry out to Him?  Those things make a difference.  You make a difference because you dare to be here.
You're fighting battles with the enemy every moment of the day.  Don't you dare think you're not worth something.  The enemy doesn't bother with people who don't matter.  You are loved.

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31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 17 - FMF: Long

Nothing too profound this week, or even very well written, but it's written and that's what matters.

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It's been an long week, so this is a test to see how much I really trust that God can speak through me.  Because five minutes is not a very long time to try and hack out something profound out of nothing, but I'm going to put fingers to keys anyway.  I've got a million thoughts swimming in my head when I think about the word long.  "How long O Lord?"  "As the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after you." And I guess that's actually it.  Yeah.  Maybe it's repetitive and totally expected for the word, but my heart longs after God.  The truth is, the only thing that can satisfy my deepest longing is the Presence of God.  I always think something else will work, it's not true.  Sleep doesn't mean rest.  Turning the brain off doesn't mean recuperation.  Happiness is not the same as joy and smooth sailing is not the same as peace.  I long for more rest.  I long for more consistent joy.  I long to walk in constant peace.  And what I'm really wanting is Him.  Every longing of my heart comes back to Him.  As the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs for you.  Yes.  And deep cries out to deep.  In You I find all I need.  And one day, every longing will be completely filled as we stand in His presence and are never again separated.
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31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 10 - FMF: Care

Another five minute free write.  This week's prompt is care.

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I remember it far better than I'd like to, this one moment in my teaching.  It sticks out like a sore thumb and makes me a little queasy.  A student was raking on my last nerve, started searching for the words to make some excuse, and I looked him in the eyes and the words came slow, deliberate, venomous: I.  Don't.  Care.  Now sit.

I'm cringing.  Because there was a breaking in that moment.  A breaking of truth and of trust and of faith and of a heart.  How piercing are those words?  I don't care?  What is the underlying meaning?  You're not worth my time?  You're not worth the energy?  There are a million other things more important than you and what you have to say?

And the thing is, the way I often live, it's like those things are true.  When I live the rush.  When I make the striving for perfection my priority.  When I become more concerned about my image and my sense of control than the lives in front of me.  It's a problem.

Care takes slowing down so I can see.  Care takes open eyes and open hands and an open heart.  And care takes bathing daily in the Holy Spirit, so maybe He can overflow in the fruit of self-control and I'll be a little more careful with my words.

I do care.  And I am thankful for a Redeemer for when I lose sight of that.

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Five Minute Friday - See

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I whisper it out loud to myself, as I stand from the computer.  Why are you leaning in so close?  And then I laugh.  Yes, because I'm talking to myself in an empty classroom, but also because there is deep truth right there waiting for me.  I'm leaning in close because I'm bone weary and I need to see.

No, I can't seem to see straight these days, because the pain is all too real.  Her words cut deep and I know mine did too and well that just makes me feel like a failure.  And when God told me that 2014 would be the year to trust I didn't know the learning curve would be quite this steep.  Because when the ones you love are hurting, and hurting you, and there's nothing you can do, and you really just don't know, it's hard to tell which way is up.

And so it is that: I have to lean in close to see.  And God said it to me clear that day, "Press into me child.  I want you.  I love you.  Press into me."  And then it was clear that trust is the very pressing into God and the opening up to adventure.  The unclenching of the fists to receive grace and give grace.  And I have to lean in close to hear the beating of His heart because the war drums are about to right drown it out.  I have to lean close to hear the whispered words of love because my words aren't always love and neither are hers and neither are the ones in my head.  I have to lean in close.

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Five Minute Friday - Fly

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"If I cannot fly, teach me to sing."

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was walking out of her office after our last voice lesson before the next round of auditions.  right before I stepped out the door I turned to face her, tears in my eyes, and confessed my deep fear that I would fail again, like I had the year before.  She looked me in the eye and said something that changed my life view forever.

You have a choice to make.  Nerves?  They're like standing at the edge of a cliff and you have a choice.  You can stand there, wondering and fearing.  Or you can take a running leap off and see what happens.  I can tell you... when you take that leap?  That's when you rise on wings like eagles.

Right there, I decided to be a cliff jumper.  For the rest of my days.  I would be a cliff jumper.   And every time I have learned that to wait on the edge of the cliff in fear is like putting yourself in prison and locking the door.  Like a bird caging herself.  It is only when you take that running leap that you can fly.

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Read Emily Freeman's own version of cliff jumping on her blog today.  All about deciding to stop letting the fear of this might not work control your life.  Yeah.  From those all-state choir auditions in high school to that switching of career paths in college to hopping on a plane to China to saying yes when she asked me if I wanted to meet this guy (that was seven months ago... he sent me flowers yesterday).  Jumping off the cliff and risking the fact that this might not work is totally worth it.  Because God is good and flying?  It's not as much about rising on wings with eagles as it is about being lifted and held by His hands.

Five Minute Friday - Tree

Five minutes to free write on one word...

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So pretty much everyone has these memories of trees.  Christmas trees.  The old tree in the front yard they used to climb as a child.  Some tree memory.  One of mine is reclining in the tire swing under our old oak tree in my parents' yard.  Peaceful winter (we're from South Texas) afternoons enjoying the cool weather.

There's this other picture that comes to mind though.  I remember in elementary school learning about Mt. St. Helens.  The teacher showed us this picture of the destruction and I just remember this aerial shot of downed trees that looked like a few games of pick up sticks spilled all over.



She played it last night in her recital.  That Chopin Scherzo.  And it hit me somewhere between the unsettling introduction and the brooding chords broken up by flowing arpeggios... Scherzo is supposed to mean joke.  But it sure doesn't sound like one.  And isn't that life some days?  Especially in the same week that we hear about thousands dead in a storm in the Philippines?  Doesn't life sometimes feel like some cruel joke?  Doesn't it feel like somebody said we could have joy, we could smile, and then started playing life unsettled and brooding?  But then... oh, but then there are the arpeggios and there is Light and there is the Presence.  And there is being held.

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Five Minute Friday - Together

Tired today, but writing anyway.  Some days it feels like all you're doing, all you can do, is show up.  That's today.  But there is priceless value in faithfulness.  So here's to another FMF post, and writing free.

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I can't seem to put two thoughts together today, so sitting to write is not high on my list.  Still I think I am finding that is what this weekly five minute exercise is all about... Will I still put one foot in front of the other (or in this case put hands to keyboard) even when I can't seem to get it together?

I say it to my students all the time. "Get it together!" has become a common quick correction.  But let's be honest, I have been struggling all week to get it together!  I am tired.  I don't really want to do this.  And yet, here I am.  I don't have any profound thoughts.  At least not yet.  But I think I have like two and a half minutes left.

And maybe it goes back to my Sanity Manifesto.  Faithful today.  Will I be faithful to what is before me today?  Even if I can't put two thoughts together, will I take a step out and do what I am called to do in this moment?  That's probably the hardest lesson in growing up.  We often have to do things we don't feel like doing.  We have to be faithful.  And in being faithful, the feelings sometimes follow.  And sometimes they don't.  But yeah, another way to say it is "show up."  Do it anyway and have a little faith that it still means something.  That God is still at work, even when I am floundering.  So that's all it is today.
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Five Minute Friday - Laundry

Five minutes to write.  Throw perfectionism out the window...

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So Sunday is always laundry day for me.  I sort and pile in and pull out and fold and hang, but never iron.  I probably should... But I never iron.  And there is something soothing in it.  A million little gifts.  Like the smell of clean clothes.  Or the warmth of sheets coming out of the dryer.  Putting in something messy and coming out with something clean.  Sorting things into piles.  Putting things back in their place.  And don't forget the amazing feel of fresh sheets at the end of the day.  A million little gifts.

Because I need those reminders.  That messes can be made new.  That work is worth the effort, even if it doesn't always seem like it.  That sticking through the mundane is good.  That it won't all fall apart if I break away from it.  It's good to find some semblance of order in a chaotic world.  It's kind of like how I go and scrub the dishes when I'm frustrated over our last phone call, because I just need to be reminded some days that I can make a mess of things but it's not the end.  There is cleansing and redemption of the worst messes.  I believe that.  I really do.  I don't live like it some days but I believe there is always Hope.  So here is my reminder and yours today.  Take your messy and let Him make it new.  Call it trite, call it cliche.  I call it true. We live on the brink of Redemption.

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Five Minute Friday - Ordinary

"Life is running swift now.  Like a raging river, how it runs out... and this is the best part here in the beat of a Heart."  ~Gungor, The Best Part

Life is running swift these days.  I don't know where the weeks go anymore.  And the best part is taking time to slow down and abide in the heart of God.  So yes.  Five minutes to write again this week.  Five minutes to practice living slow.

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We laugh long and hard at the way we are so much like old people.  Same ordinary places for dinner (at 5:00 pm).  Same ordinary late night coffee run (and yes, 8:00 pm is late night).  We sit and talk about the weather and local politics (not my choice) and we talk about work and the things we are learning and why I love community chorus and it's so good to just be here.  And yeah, it's ordinary.  But at the same time, it's so NOT!

Because there's a story being written here.  There is a gracious and BIG God at work right here between us and I wouldn't trade our ordinary times together for all the extraordinary riches of the world.  Because I know you are 100% present when we are together and I try 110% to be 100% present too!  Listening to all the little things and sharing in the details of life?  This is Community and in the ordinary of Community, God makes extraordinary things happen.  He uses us to refine each other.  To reflect His love.  To sanctify and shape and challenge and heal and change and restore and renew and REDEEM this world!

There is nothing ordinary about our lives.  Nothing.  Like there is nothing ordinary in the sunset I saw the other night... even if sunsets happen every night.  God is making all things new and He is writing some remarkable stories.  So yeah, let's do ordinary.
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Five Minute Friday - Write

And I feel like I've only barely made it through this week.  So five minutes of free writing helps me to breathe as I finish out.  Here's to one more week of trying to live in Freedom.  Freedom from perfectionism and performance.  Freedom to walk in the presence of God.

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Sometimes it all seems so convoluted.  And when the anxiety rises it feels like the blood stops flowing.  And the stress can silence the tongue and stop the heart.  And the clenched fists... they hurt.  So I unwrap the fingers slowly.  Pick up the pen.  And when it feels like the blood has stopped flowing, somehow the flow of ink helps.  

And the words move from heart to hand to page and I am reminded of The Word.  The Word who became flesh and pitched His tent among us.  And the simplicity that He chose?  It makes my life feel a little simpler too.  Because in the wake of His Beauty chaos feels so small.  Things start to make sense and so I write and write and write.  And when I don't?  I feel it.  Because the flow of ink promotes the flow of the Spirit.  And Ann said it... write the gifts.  And my mentor in high school said it... write.  Oh yes.  That journal she gave me for graduation.  That one word.  Write.  Did she know that it would take me back to the One Word?  Martin Luther says you can change the world with a pen.  Maybe she knew that too.

So even when it's hard, I write.  Because it fills the soul and reminds me that He is writing my story and He holds my heart and He is good and gives good gifts.

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Five Minute Friday - True

Taking five minutes of my lunch break to join in again.  Five minutes to be free, to breathe, to let fingers fly, to write, and to let God speak to my heart through it all.  Enjoy this... or (better yet) join in?

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Because most days I don't get it.  I can't really speak it, and I certainly can't live it.  What is true.  I'm pretty aware of certain true things.  I'm weak.  I wear thin.  My kids are crazy.  They lack self-control almost as much as I do.  I feel like life is an uphill battle.

But what of the things that don't seem true because I don't always feel them.  What of the things that God speaks into my life that start to feel cliche at best and false at worst?  The Truth that I am clothed in strength and dignity.  That I am beautiful and deeply loved.  That God is always good and always loves.  That all is grace and there are a thousand things to be thankful for.  That when the Holy Spirit lives in me, 5 hours of sleep is actually enough, and the low energy levels?  They don't actually mean that much.

Am I going to define true by how I feel?  It's a question I need to ask every day, right after I ask for God's name to be praised and for His will and for daily bread.  Am I going to define true by how I feel?

Lord, no!  Do not let me!  Because my feelings lie like no one else.  And You can use lies for good because they drive me back to the throne of grace and my weaknesses don't separate me from You.  They build a bridge to deeper trust in You.  And both can be true!  I'm a weak, broken, messy mess mess.  But I am beautiful and worthy of love because of the sacrifice of Christ on the cross.  And they go together.  And true is true regardless of how I feel.

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Five Minute Friday - Last

So here I am on the last weekday of summer.  Hanging the last poster on the wall.  Putting the last chair in place.  Staring in wonder, imagining the children that will soon fill my classroom with song and laughter and games (and some hair pulling and tongue biting as well to be sure!).  I asked my roommate to meet me for lunch at my favorite little place downtown.  It's best on the weekdays and it will be a long time before we have the time to go again.  We will soon be busy again.  And this is our last chance.

But there's something else to the word "last."  I found out last night that my third grade teacher, my favorite teacher ever, passed away this week.  I'll be part of a choir singing in a different funeral tomorrow.  And I'm thinking about what I would do if I knew something really was my last chance.  Oh how I want to live a life that will last!

I want to be a part of something that will last.  I want to pour my life out for love and kingdom work.  I want to inspire children, go out of my way to make them feel valued and loved the way Elizabeth Jones did.  I want to love like crazy with the love of the Lord the way Ronnie Lorenz did.  This man who had an amazing wife and passed me the communion trays many a week.  Summer fades.  Winter fades too.  Desserts and valleys and mountaintops are all temporary. Love is the greatest of all things that last.

 

Five Minute Friday - Lonely

Setting the timer again this week.  This is a tough one... Lonely.

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I wouldn't have noticed it if my fingers hadn't slipped on the keyboard.  There is one letter difference between "lonely" and "lovely."  Which one is more natural for me to type?  Because what it all comes down to really is what I believe in this life.  Am I lonely?  Or am I lovely?

I know what I want to be... but feelings... they are deceptive.  I stand out on the stairwell every night and lean against the railing and I think about my life.  The stars.  I love the stars.  The storms rolling in.  The lightening on the horizon.  The breeze in my hair.  Alone.  Alone with God.

Can I see it for what it is?  Can I reach past the fear and find the truth?  Because I am afraid of spending my life lonely.  I'm not afraid of being alone, I don't think.  I'm just afraid of being lonely.  Of finding that I am not enough, that I am not worthy of love.  I'm afraid of not being lovely.  And I breathe it deep.  There is peace here.  Leaning secure on that railing.  Beauty making me and my worries shrink.  He calls me lovely.  He does!  And feelings.... Well, I know they can't be trusted.  But I trust Him.  I trust Him.  I trust Him.  I want to trust Him, really I do.  And so I breathe the prayer out in a whisper... Lord, I do believe.  Help my unbelief.  I believe you make me lovely.  Help me to believe.

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Five Minute Friday - Story

It's another Five Minute Friday.  This week's word is "Story."

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I love telling stories.  Like the time I ran into Beth Moore the day before I flew out on a mission trip to China.  Or the time my roommate and I drove six hours round trip in one evening to meet Ann Voskamp.  Or the way I was in a pit of anxiety and depression because I had graduated from college and had no idea what I was doing with my life and one morning woke up to an e-mail inviting me to apply for what would end up being the best job I could have asked for.

We sat for three hours yesterday and shared stories.  And grace was so evident.  And there are things in my life I've always thought I'd like to be different.  Ways that the world may not view me as successful.  Mistakes that I've made. But hindsight 20/20, I realize how I have seen the face of God in those times and I wouldn't change a thing.

So my goal these days is to practice seeing my story as it unfolds NOW.  Practicing Eucharisteo, this discipline of thanksgiving that ties itself so intimately to joy and grace, is teaching me to see what God is doing right this instant.  I pray that it will take me less and less time to see how all of these detail are valuable in a story that brings glory to God.  It's not always a fairy tale.  Sometimes it's not a book I would think to pick up myself, but it is good because God is good and I will white-knuckle grip to that.  God is good.  My story is now.

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Five Minute Friday - Broken

I'm joining a sort of writing flash mob today.  Apparently it's been going on for over a year and I just heard about it and couldn't resist giving it a try and this is why: "It started because I’d been thinking about writing and how often our perfectionism gets in the way of our words. And I figured, why not take 5 minutes and see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing."  Yeah.  Perfectionism gets in the way of a lot.  So here it goes... This weeks prompt is "broken."

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The word automatically brings tears to my eyes.  I read it and this solemnity falls over me.  BROKEN.  How do I write about that in five minutes?  It's a word that I use so often.  Broken.  This world is broken.  My heart has been broken.  If it is broken again, will I recover?  Should I spend my one wild life in safety to avoid being broken?  And my mind is flashing back now...

I took the bread.  I was at a new church.  Usually they had the wafers ready for you.  Little bite-sized nuggets of the Body.  At this church, though, they passed the plate and I had to break off a piece of the unleavened bread for myself.  Oh and how that moved me!  "My body, broken for you," He said.  "Broken so that you might be made whole.  Broken so that you never have to fear the brokenness you face.  Broken to save and to redeem and to promise you new Life.  My body, broken so that you might remember that I am all about making broken things whole.  I am all about restoring this world.  I am all about saving and loving and healing and comforting.  Do this in remembrance of Me!  Break this bread and remember that you don't need to protect yourself because I will protect you."

And I take the bread and I remember.  And I don't fear being broken.

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