Stop, Stoop, and Scoop - Gather the Manna

Sometimes I just don't know how to walk this life.  I pretend I do... with my big talk and pretty words.  I try to... by writing gifts and writing Word on the walls of the mind, hoping it will sink into my heart, travel that farthest distance.  Sometimes though, life gets blurry and foggy and I am tired and worn and I'm good at forgetting and getting distracted and bad at the discipline of stopping and giving it over and putting one foot in front of the other.  And it all goes over my head and I can't get it to sink in and anxiety and anger come easier than patience and joy.

And maybe what I need is to step out of my tent, out of this flesh in this everyday life, and gather the manna. I need to get down on my knees and scoop it up, breathe His Spirit deep.  Because I can see it, this mysterious providence I don't deserve, and I can even be thankful for it, marvel at the gift, hear how this "What is it?" speaks of deep, deep love... I can see it and still walk by it, still hunger deep until I stop, fully stop, stoop down in humility and gather the manna.  God can provide, but I will not be sustained until I drop down to my knees, scoop it up and put it to my lips.  God can provide, but I must GATHER and EAT.  God fulfills, but I must drink.  Oh Lord, let me scoop and gather and not walk by!

A Mother's Day Story - Marvel in the Mystery

I never would have expected it.  I just wanted to take the Montana roommate out for some good Mexican food.  I've been to that restaurant dozens of times, ordered the same thing, never even bothered to look at a menu, and I am caught completely by surprise.  I don't even remember how it started, just the poignant joy.  My mother telling stories fifty years old, stories I've never heard before, dripping rich with heritage and history.  Stories of growing up in Mexico, living with her grandparents while her widowed  mother works cleaning houses for those living the American dream, trying to provide, and her siblings go to school.

We laugh at the stories of a frizzy-haired girl, skin sun-darkened, running around the dirt roads of Mexico in nothing but a pair of ruffled underwear, sipping tea and munching on cookies while her grandfather hangs out with his buddies.  We laugh until we cry as she tells us how she and her cousins made mud pies decorated with bottle caps and rocks and actually sold them to neighbors.. until those kind souls began locking them out because they had enough bottle cap pies to last a lifetime.

And when we get to the part where I'm picturing that five year old girl who would one day become my mother standing in line at the mill with her bucket of maiz boiled with cilantro and lime clad, as usual, only in her ruffled underwear and faithfully waiting to take masa home so her grandmother - my great-grandmother - can make the day's tortillas... When we get to that part, I see my mother is really crying as she remembers how happy those days were when all she had was all she needed.  And I have never loved her more, this woman who has loved me and hurt with me and raised me.  Her pictures are still so vivid and I can see her pulling them up in the theater of her mind.  Grandfather, the Spaniard with khaki shirt and pants, straw hat and ankle-high boots.  Grandmother with her mantilla around her head, floor-length skirt encircling her as she sits by the fire cooking tortillas - hand molding them and placing them on the comal one by one.  My mother counting and recounting the gifts.  And I feel the prickling sting of conviction for the number of times I have cried out that it is not enough when it is and it always will be.

And I marvel in the mystery of stories written on hearts.  Generations forming and reforming.  Good always outweighing bad.  Joy transcending.  God always present, even if unknown or unnoticed.  And truly it doesn't make sense.  How the messiness of life can somehow be forgotten in light of the joyful memories.  How, when all we have is all we need, it is enough.  And there is this mystery to it.  A mystery to love transcending.  A mystery to every relationship in our lives.  A mystery to how a life begins and where a life can lead.  And I marvel in it each day.  Ecclesiastes says it this way, "Just as you do not know how the breath enters the bones in a mother's womb, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything." (11:5)  Ah yes.  A mother's story.  A life's beginning.  A life's living.  God's work.  Every one, every day, a mystery in which to marvel.

Why Seeing IS Believing - Count Gifts

I need to confess something.  I am deeply afraid of being alone.  I am afraid that those I love and am coming to depend on will leave, walk away, grow tired of me.  I'm afraid I'll never find the Adam to my Eve, that help-meet.  I'm afraid I'll prove not good enough to be loved and cared for, not good enough to build lasting relationships and find people who want to walk life with me.  And as I write these things down, I feel almost foolish, because hasn't God proven over and over that He is faithful and never leaves and His timing perfect?

But the fear is real because faith and love, as Luci Shaw says, are intangible and unseen and I can move in that direction but never achieve full certainty.  "God Himself, a Spirit real but invisible calls [me] to live this Adventure guided by a hand and an arm that [I] cannot see or prove in irrefutable terms."  So how then, do I follow?  And perhaps Ann is right.  I feel it deep now, deeper than the beauty of the words on the page: If perfect love casts out fear, let me count the ways He loves!

I can't see this God or the arm that guides, but I can see 1,000 and more gifts.  All around, 1,000 reminders that He loves.  Oh how He loves!  My heart sings.  And so I count the gifts and I whisper thanks and I recite Psalm 18:30, "This God - His way is perfect, the words of the Lord proves true, He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him."  And I believe.

And this is what it all comes down to: Eucharisteo, this trifecta of joy and grace and thanksgiving, is all about love.  Call it what it is! Because it's not enough to keep a list or give thanks or name graces or seek joy.  I must call it what it is!  Because ultimately what we are thankful for, what grace is, why we have joy, the Eucharist itself comes down to love.  Why did Jesus, when facing death and unrelenting suffering, betrayal and rejection, give thanks?  Because of God's deep love for us!  The breaking of the body, the drinking of the vine comes down to love.  And this isn't  new; it's just finally clicking.  And if I am to LIVE, I must live in light of this:  God loves deep and real.

And it is not the trite "God will never leave you" that gets me through.  It is the fact that God loves deep and relentless and shows it 1,000 ways.  And if we who are evil know how to give good gifts, how much better are His?  And I can even suffer broken like Jesus, like Job, and still give thanks, thanks in the brokenness because HE LOVES!

Lord, teach me to live this language of love, to use Eucharisteo to lead me back to your arms, time and again.

Learning How to Live - My Own Sanity Manifesto

For over a month now, I have been meditating on Ann Voskamp's Sanity Manifesto, trying to live it, to absorb it, to make it my own, to let God use it in my life.  But when I fell back into a battle with that old foe, thorn in my side, anxiety, God began to work and here are some elements that I pray God will use to transform me.  These are the 15 phrases that make up my own Sanity Manifesto, the thoughts that drive me back to the throne of grace, keep my feet grounded, let my heart soar, remind me of the eternal, of the divine, of the full life that I am trying so hard to find, and of the gracious God who loves deep and constant.  These are 15 prayers of transformation and sanctification, and the next many posts will be my story, plain and simple, as I try to learn to fully live here, because it looks good on a page and it sounds good the way she clothes it all in poetic language, but to live it... to live it is hard.  To believe it is hard.  And I am so thankful for the way the Spirit moves and provides insight and precious companions to walk by my side.  Perhaps this will inspire you... I pray it does.  But if nothing else, it is teaching me to listen, to fight, to choose life and trust and daily bread.

1) Rehearse the refrain - Repeat the things you know.  Sing them over and over.  God is good and faithful.  His loving kindness endures forever.  He calls you to purpose and He will do it!
2)  Gather the Manna - It's all about DAILY bread.  Look and see what God is providing because He does and He will every single day.
3) Beloved before the first step - Before you make your first move, listen for the gentle whisper of God calling you His Beloved.  Find your center, your identity in this: you are His beloved son or daughter before you do anything.
4) Faithful today - Don't worry about tomorrow.  Be faithful in all things, especially the small things, today.  Devote yourself to prayer being watchful and thankful.
5) One at a time - Focus your attention on one thing at a time.  Build one brick at a time.  Love one person at a time.  Don't give in to the temptation to multitask.  Live one thing at a time.
6) Sing your song out loud - It's just cathartic to sing the songs you love, that refresh your soul with beauty and truth.  Sing them out loud.
7) Influence: What's flowing? - What's flowing into your life?  What's flowing out?  What influence are you having that you may not even realize?
8) Marvel in the mystery - The things of God are beyond our ability to grasp.  Mystery makes them God-things and they are good.  Marvel at it.  Let it drive you to worship.  Surrender your need for control so you might enjoy it.
9) Give it up, Give it over - Could've, should've, would've, what if, if only, am I enough?  Give it up.  Give it all over and lay it on the altar.
10) Count gifts - The little, beautiful reminders of God's love.  Set a goal for the number of gifts you'll thank God for each day.  Look for three things a day that stir your soul to thank God.  Stay thankful, stay joyful, find grace.
11) Breath prayers: Kyrie Eleison - Make "Lord have mercy" a prayer you breathe.  Center yourself on it.  Remember your need, your weakness, and let it keep you humble, for God draws near to the humble.
12) What the heart knows by heart, the heart knows - This is Ann's, not mine, but it is so crucial.  Memorize scripture, let the truth sink in, meditate on it day and night.  What the heart knows, you can stand firm on, no matter what challenges may come, or how your mind might rebel.
13) Questions sustain - Manna literally means "What is it?"  Don't strive for answers in this life.  They may never come this side of eternity.  By the grace of God, we can eat the questions, the mystery, and find nourishment for our souls.
14) Give bad days to the Redeemer - Some days are rough.  Happens.  Give them to Jesus and let Him redeem them.  It's what He does.
15) Light a candle - Feel the weight of darkness closing in?  Light a candle, remember you are the light of the world and He is the light in you and He will light your way.

Blast from the Past

I saw an old friend over Thanksgiving break.  I can't believe I hadn't seen him in something like five years, but he was gracious enough to brave the traffic and pick me up from DFW airport on Sunday.  Chivalry is not dead, ladies and gentleman! :)  Anyway, I guess seeing him again got me feeling a little nostalgic, so I find myself on this Friday evening flipping through some old recordings on iTunes from my songwriting days.  (Those of you who have only known me for the last few years may be shocked that I ever wrote songs!)  The truth is that I miss those days.  It actually breaks my heart a little that I don't write like I once did.  It really breaks my heart that I don't remember how to play any of those songs anymore!  I used to have dreams of making an album.  It would have been called "Beautiful Again..."  But seasons are seasons, and there is a time for everything under the sun, I suppose.  For now, I am content with my journal musings with God, a few poems here and there, and singing "Naughty Kitty Cat" to my kiddos at school.   Maybe the seasons will change again in the future.  Maybe not.  Nevertheless, here are a couple of those old songs for your enjoyment!

I am reminded of this fact as I traverse memory lane: the path we walk with God is a path of victory and redemption.  We move from glory to glory, and God is good.

Beautiful Soul

Stephanie Frakes

November 16, 2009

Sometimes the pain is more than she can hide

Sometimes the battle raged is more than she can fight

And she cries but no one hears her

Yeah, she cries, but she won’t let you see her

But He knows and the scars on her arms tear Him apart

He knows and He wants her to know she holds His heart

He loves the tortured, beautiful soul

She can’t explain this feeling here inside

She slipping away no matter how hard she tries

And she cries but no one hears her

Yeah, she cries but she won’t let you see her

And the tears smear the ink as she pours out herself

She’s down on her knees and she's crying for help

And He says…

I know and the scars on your arms tore me apart 

Now you’re whole, and I want you to know you hold my heart

I love, I love, I love you, my beautiful soul

Beautiful Again

Lyrics by: Stephanie Frakes and Jacob Wallace

Music by: Stephanie Frakes

July 11, 2009

Broken daughter, won’t you look into My eyes?

Broken daughter, can’t you see the blood of Christ?

It came to cleanse you, and to make you new again

Beautiful again, Beautiful

Like the stars in the sky shine through the darkest night

Beautifully for you, Beautiful

Look up and remember you're Mine

Broken daughter, won’t you stand here by My side?

Broken daughter, can’t you feel the love of Christ?

It came to heal you and to make you new again 

And even behind the clouds the stars still shine

And even when you doubt, darling, you’re still Mine

Look up and remember

You'll never be called broken

You are forever Mine

The Ugly-Beautiful - Music that preaches the gospel

I just came home from the recital of a former professor and very dear friend.  I am simply trying to process it all.  There is so much.  It was so deep.  I mean the programming was exquisite.  This poignant, powerful, almost brooding music and then closing with the second movement of a Schubert sonata... Hope.  The music itself was the cross.  Sorrow and beauty colliding.  The gospel, where light meets dark and death meets life and tears meet joyful hope.  It was the beauty of the broken.  Not the beauty in the broken.  The beauty of the broken.  And there was this moment in the Chopin she played where the funeral march gives way to this poignant lyrical section, and I could sense every soul in the room reaching.  It's as if I held my heart in my hand, like I held the breath in my lungs, and just lifted it, reaching to place my broken mess in God's hands and eternity washed over me anew.  And the Schubert was the smile through the tears.  The moment when the prodigal son lays his head on the Father's chest (like the beloved disciple reclined against Jesus at the last supper) and the Father whispers, "You were dead, but now you are alive again." And the son hears the beat of a heart so full of love it aches.

Then there's the pianist and how her performance is how I long to live: given over, holding nothing back, heart laid bare on the altar, no fear of the depths.  Could we ever live every day like that, believing that God is so glorious and good and holy that the broken is beautiful in His presence, when given over completely to Him?  Let it be so, Lord!  Let it be so! And the contrast of the words I wrote in my journal yesterday ("There are no fancy words tonight.  I am simply in pain.") with what I write tonight is not lost on me.  There is so much pain, so many wounds that need healing, but the miracle of God is that, while we may need to wait for pain to be soothed and wounds to be healed, we do not need to wait for beauty and joy.  I think I'm starting to get it now: the ugly-beautiful.  It's a funeral march that captures you.  It's the longings that will never be fulfilled that stir your passion. It's a Father running to meet his filthy, straight-from-the-pig-pen son and covering him in kisses.  It's Peter denying Jesus and still be entrusted by the Savior Himself to feed His sheep.  It's the way God uses pain to shape us into who we really are: His image-bearers.  It's the unfailing love that causes a prophet to buy back a wife from prostitution.  The ugly-beautiful.  And it exists only because of the greatness of our God.

Breathing Room - Ebenezer moments and a job I love

There’s this place in life that I love.  We only find it right after we’ve been running at break neck pace for a while, trying to meet a deadline.  It’s that moment of exhalation.  Breathing room.   I take the blinders off, stand in place, arms spread wide, and turn slowly, just absorbing it all, rather than being absorbed myself by the million things I had to get done before.  Things feel a little brighter here.  A little easier.  A little lighter.  Blessings appear clearer.  God’s grace is more vibrant.  It’s a good place.

Three months ago, I was struggling, really struggling with the unknowns in life.  I wanted so badly to know where I was going and when.  I had chosen to sign a lease with some friends and stay in Abilene at what I felt at the time was God’s prompting, but as time drifted by and doors remained closed… well, I became depressed and anxious.  I believed that God had a plan – and a big one – for this coming school year.  I guess maybe I believed because I had to, not because I was really trusting.  I’d made a choice and I felt stuck, so I had to believe God was up to something… I couldn’t possibly have been wrong!  (I say that tongue in cheek, but really, perfectionists of the world, I know you can relate!)  Now I’m in that breathing room moment and I can see all God really has done.  He really did have a plan. 

Monday night I conducted my first elementary music program.  One of the songs that I conducted was actually one that I learned fourteen years ago as an elementary student myself.  I didn’t even have music for it.  I just remembered it and taught it to my kids that way.  Then they took it to the stage and I conducted as they performed it.  A dream came true.  I don’t know why it blows my mind the way it does.  I mean, God is good and faithful and true.  He is love.  He is forever gracious unto me.  And yet I stand in awe of His blessings.  I can’t believe I get to do this!  I get to wake up every morning and walk with children as they learn and grow.  I saw the light in their eyes after they saw their hard work come to fruition in a great performance.  I got to provide them that opportunity, the chance to come together and create something more.  That’s big.  I’m watching these kids discover the feel of a steady beat.  I had forgotten how neat that really is… feeling the beat in a piece of music.  I’m watching them create, and learn, and make connections.  I see the excitement in their eyes when I tell them they can share their gifts with everyone in the class.  I'm seeing myself grow too!  I am the most richly blessed woman you will ever meet.  No, I don’t get paid nearly enough.  Yes, this is an exhausting job.  Do I care?  Absolutely not.  Call me corny, but nothing can replace the light in their eyes, the hugs, the smiles, the “aha” moments.  10,000 reasons for my heart to sing!  How many people have the daily reminder of joy, the sense of purpose in life that I have?  How many people get to get this excited about their everyday get-up-and-go lives?!

And don’t get me started on when the day ends and I get to go home to the amazing roommate family I have.  Precious, precious friends!  It is love, and I see it every day in the community surrounding me.  I lack nothing.  Sure, there are things I wish were different.  Some days I act like I lack things.  But the truth is that I lack NOTHING.  My God is so good.  He is so faithful.  It’s hard to trust a plan that’s beyond even my imagination, but it’s worth every tear.  It’s worth every dry and weary day of waiting.  So “here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I’ve come.”  On with the journey!

In the Valley

It's good to be home. After what has possibly been the most chaotic, and yet most rewarding semester of my school career (so far...) it's so good to get away and rest. It's good to be on holiday. Recently I noticed that I've changed my language when it comes to coming home. I've started simply saying, "I'm headed back to the Valley." And I like it because it's awfully symbolic. It gives this image of retreat, of a time to regather myself and get realigned. The Valley. This strange place of comfort and who I used to be colliding with who I am and who God is making me. In the words of a friend, a place of revisiting. And I'm learning that home is anywhere, because relationships are so much more important than locations and love lasts. Still, there are some locations that are so infused with memories that they will forever be special, and they will forever be a place where God can get your attention. Not to mention, a change of scenery never hurts the creative spirit. :) I'm looking forward to years from now, looking back and seeing what other valleys God places in my life.

I'm excited about this season. I mean, there's a lot going on in my heart right now as far as figuring out who I am, where I'm going, and who God intends for me to be. Over the last six months or so, God has really been working to show me that I am chosen, that He has some really special plans for me that go beyond what I can imagine, beyond what I can understand or plan on my own, even beyond the shadows of a vision He's placing on my heart. It's a neat feeling to know in your heart that you are special and chosen by God for something great. It lends value and purpose. I pray that you sense that in your own life. I pray that you know you are chosen. It's so easy to forget that or to doubt it, because "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived," precisely what God has chosen us for, but you, dear one, are chosen. That's just how God is. We're not chosen because of anything we've done or could do. We're chosen because a sovereign God decided we are worth it, because He desired an outlet for His perfect love, and because He's big enough to reveal His glory through even the most broken of vessels, if we will give ourselves over to Him.

A lot of what is catching my eye in my time with God right now is His promises. Promises about resting and rising to my destiny, about God writing His name on me and claiming me for Himself, about His redemption and mercy, about Him sending His rain as I break up my unplowed ground and seek Him (which is precisely what I was created to do), about how everyone around me will know how He has loved me (Glory! How He loves me!) and He will be glorified in the fact that He loves my brokenness so well, about how He will lead me and protect me and open doors for me because I have limited strength. There is no end to His promises! My prayer for this season is that as I seek the Lord and sit with Him and His promises He will cause those to be rooted deeply in me. I don't want to just know them cerebrally. That's enough for my time in the Valley, but when I face the battle once again, how quickly I'll forget it! No. I need God's promises to consume me, to become the very foundation of my identity, so that when I go back to the pressures of school, when I am once again surrounded by all those voices telling me what I should do, when a hundred things fight for my attention, when I face the fires of success and failure, I won't have to search for God's promises. I want them to be so deeply ingrained in my spirit that under pressure they naturally rise to the surface so that I can cling to them, so clearly etched on my heart that the Holy Spirit can bring them to mind in my time of deepest need. I want them to be so much a part of who I am that I will never, ever be able to forget my God, no matter how many wonderful distractions lie ahead of me. Yeah. I want my Beloved first.

His always,

Stephanie

Seven Years

It's Veteran's Day today. We have a choir presentation at 11 in chapel. It's funny. I haven't sung in one of those since eighth grade. I remember that day really well, and it has little to do with Veteran's Day. November 11, 2003 is that day I mark as my spiritual birthday of sorts. That's the day I first started journaling. If I had known then what that would end up meaning for me. I was talking with a friend yesterday who said, "I can't write to save my life!" My response was, "I write to save my life." And it's true. There's something about putting pen to page that makes me feel so much closer to God. Words are so valuable to me. They stir me like nothing else. Over the years, that affection for words has grown into an affection for His Word... a deep affection. And it's wonderful. That day, seven years ago, when I first began to be intentional about spending time daily with God became the beginning of a habit. It was the day I first began to really follow Jesus. It was my first experience with spiritual discipline, and it's funny. God made it so easy. I sat down that day and every day after that. I've hardly missed a day in seven years, even when I was in the pit of darkness, I didn't miss a day. I'm not boasting. I'm praising God, because it's only by the power of His Holy Spirit in me that I had that habit to cling to. Truly, it saved my life. It was a manifestation of the fact that no matter how bad things got, how hopeless I felt, God was still there. He never let me go!

Seven years later, I can't imagine a day of life not spent in full pursuit of my precious Savior, my Beloved Christ. As tired and worn and stressed and just off as I feel right now, I can't help but rejoice because my God is forever faithful, even when He is silent, even when I am clothed in darkness. He is good. His love endures forever! May He encourage your heart with that Truth today, beloved.

Always,

Stephanie

The Way God Moves

It is amazing to me how God moves and orchestrates the details of life, just so He can speak to us. It seriously blows my mind! I've been meaning to talk about this forever, but I just haven't had time to sit and type it. Now I have time.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking about bearing the cost of living given over. That had been a really difficult day for me as God taught me how painful it can be to surrender everything to Him, and to trust Him with everything. When I typed that post on Wednesday night, it was after a day full of tears and brokenness. It was really a lot of fear and useless worrying, a day that proved I'm not as good at living a surrendered life as I sometimes think (anyone else had those days?). The evening ended well though, with God proving that He is faithful and that truly,nothing is impossible with Him. I went to bed celebrating that night, and I woke up celebrating too.

The next morning, I went to instrumental worship for chapel. I was running late, so I ended up sitting by myself, which was fine with me. I was ready for some quality time with my Beloved. It was great! I poured my praise out, and He poured His love down, and after the pain of the battle the day before, it was the sweetest respite. As I was leaving a girl stopped me. I’d never seen her before in my life, but she asked my name and then said God had given her a word for me. I know that sounds a little crazy. I believe that God speaks through people, but I'm still a little skeptical when someone says specifically, "God gave me a word for you." But she had such a sweet and humble spirit, I decided to really listen. She then began to describe this vision of a waterfall pouring down and a saw with a spinning blade at the top. “I feel like your desire is to pour out, to really pour out,” she said, “but you feel persecuted, as if someone is trying to stop you, or maybe you’ve tried to pour out before and someone cut you off and you’re afraid to try again. Does that connect with you at all?” I nodded with tears coming to my eyes. She continued, “And then I see this horn, this trumpet. Psalms says, 'His horn is my strength,' and God wants you to know that. He wants you to take hold of His strength and go pour out His love.” She began to pray that over me and then she stopped and said, “I feel like God wants you to hear Him say, ‘I’m proud of you. I see you pouring out and I am pleased. I see the little outpourings you don’t even realize, those little glances that say: you are loved.’” And she went on, “And God is declaring that He has not given you a spirit of fear or timidity but of power and His strength. He wants you to learn to walk in that and to go pour out that love and that power on others.” And we said, "Amen."

Then her friend came up to me and said, “Now I just feel like I need to say that I was watching your worship and I just saw the freedom of the Holy Spirit all over you. He wants you to pour out, but He also wants you to know that He’s pouring out His love all over you. I saw that as I watched you and it encouraged me.” And I was at a loss for words. Anyone who has read Hinds’ Feet on High Places (which I was rereading at the time and was touching me so deeply it’s as if I had never read it before) knows the significance of the waterfall as a symbol of being humbled and delighted to pour out everything. Much-Afraid even jumps off the edge of the waterfall to find the pit and the altar where she is to lay down her life. In that book, the symbol of the waterfall and living given over are synonymous. "Held back" described perfectly what I had been feeling the day before. And if that second girl only knew how intentionally I was raising my hands and dancing in worship out of a deep desire to live in the Spirit’s freedom. And the words, "God is proud of you." What a comfort for someone who had been battling the guilt of allowing unfounded fear to tear me apart, someone who felt shame at her own lack of faith! Our God is so good! But the story doesn't end there.

Later that day I had some extra time before my voice lesson, and it was such a beautiful day I decided to go out to Jacob’s Dream and write. When I got there I saw a lady drawing. We exchanged smiles, and I found a place to sit. Later she walks by and says, “I drew this little picture of you, and I wanted you to have it.”

I looked down and there’s a sketch of this girl with a contented kind of love-struck expression on her face, notebook on her knees, pencil in hand, leaning on a rock that says “The Lord.” I remembered sitting down thirty minutes earlier and thinking how symbolic it was and how I’d like to have a picture of it. And a picture I got! A picture of how I want to live: love-struck, pencil in hand, leaning back against the Rock, the Lord.

And that's how in one very intense day God taught me how He cares about the details and how He just loves so well. He confirmed in a HUGE way everything He had been speaking to my heart. It was faith-building and encouraging. I love that. I love that God refuses to be distant, even though that's what we deserve. I pray that you're encouraged today. God speaks in whispers or in shouts, in songs sung in the darkness, through complete strangers, softly and tenderly and directly to our hearts. He is so ready to speak. Are we ready to listen?

In awe of Him,

Stephanie

Starlight and Daisies

So... I thought I'd write a simple update about what's going on in my life right now. Surprisingly enough, this is much harder than some of the more profound things I've written. Life's pretty awesome right now. College is work. I can't say I like that, but I'm willing to accept it. I had a good weekend. Friday I went with a group of friends to the West Texas Fair and Rodeo. That was fun! Then we stayed out and played Catch Phrase at the Den (the coffee shop on campus). That was a blast. Saturday I slept in until about 12:30. I'm learning this about college. You go a week on 5 to 6 hours of sleep and then catch up on the weekend. haha. Then I had lunch and worked on a bibliography for my Honors class until dinner (yes... four hours or more!). That night I went to a play on campus ("Moonlight and Magnolias"... it was amazing!). I can't remember if I did any more work after that. Yestersday was church and a ton of homework (two papers and a bunch of reading). I did get to go to the first meeting of ACU's swing dancing club. That was really fun. Today I go back to classes and what not.

Honestly... people wonder why I don't write about things going on in my life! haha. Truly, it isn't quite extraordinary, but I'm having a good time. This Saturday I think we'll start our girls' Bible study over Believing God, the book that changed my life. That should be amazing. Oh and last week I got to play accompanist for University Chorale. That was an experience, I must say. It did make me really happy though and got me playing piano again. Wow... this has been quite the scattered collection of thoughts. Hopefully you feel a little more up to date on my life here in Abilene. Nothing spectacular, but I can see God at work and inviting me to join with Him every day. By the way, sorry I don't mention starlight or daisies anywhere in this post... it was a spin on "Moonlight and Magnolias." Yeah.... Blessings all!

Always smiling,
Stephanie

Around Campus

Well, the first cold front of the season blew in last night and it is a gorgeous morning. As I walked outside I think I truly understood the concept of God's mercy being new every morning and the motif of a new song. There's just something about that fresh morning air just after sunrise that makes me smile, despite that fact that I'm awake just after sunrise. haha. Anyway, I thought now would be a good time to share a couple of pictures from my favorite places around campus. I'll get some more later. Enjoy!

Singing a new song,
Stephanie


Jacob's Dream at Sunset - This is my favorite place on campus!


The Bible Building



Jacob's Dream - This is the gate. Neat illusion.



Williams Performing Arts Center - I spend a lot of time there.


Hardin Administration Building - Honors Program Headquarters



McDonald Hall - Dorm Sweet Dorm

Here it is. It's just me, a different drummer but the same old beat...

it seems like everything is gonna be just fine, cuz I'm having a good time! And so Relient K once again tells the story of my life.

It's Saturday afternoon after my first real week of college. I'm currently in the process of doing my laundry. It's kinda fun actually. I've also balanced my checkbook, dusted my desk, and sent out a check to World Vision. Pretty productive I'd say! It has been a crazy long week!!! Despite the difficulty of the transition (namely having to learn new sleeping habits and not getting more than six hours of sleep all week, plus fighting homesickness) it seems like everything will be more than fine, because I am having a great time! I've made a great group of friends. The girls on my hall are all becoming really close. I've found a great church that I see myself getting plugged into really soon. We've even got a plan in the works to start a girls' Bible study on our hall. Exciting times! Oh yeah, then there's the other, only slightly more important part of college life, the classes. haha. After having gone a full week, I think I really like my classes... for the most part. Here's my schedule/commentary:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday

8AM- Elementary Music Theory: Keyboard Analysis & Part Writing
I really like this class. It's pretty simple, seeing as I learned most of this stuff when I was six, but it's been good for me to get back to the basics, especially if I ever want to teach. Plus, if I pay attention to what I'm doing, it should be an easy A and cushion the GPA. Yay!

10AM- Honors Cornerstone
I think this will become one of my favorite classes. The whole class is already really close because we spent all of Welcome Week together. It's discussion based with a lot of reading, but the teacher is really realistic and understanding, so it shouldn't be too bad. We're discussing modernity and the development of other cultures is hopes that we can become more well-rounded citizens and Christians. At least I think that's the idea. haha. The semester will end with a 15 page research paper based on a topic of our choice. It should be a good experience.

1PM- Life & Teachings of Jesus
My professer for this class reminds me of Coach Ramey! Maybe it's only because his name is Randy, I don't know, but I really like the class and listening to his lectures. He's actually an internationally acclaimed speaker in the Church of Christ circle, so it's really cool to get to listen to him twice a week. Our class has like 250 people in it and then on Fridays we breakout into smaller groups. I think I like it. It should be good.

2PM- Fundamentals of Communication (Honors)
I don't like speech, but I think I might actually like this class. I have a few friends in there and the content is actually really interesting, even though I complain about it. Our prof is a little spacey, which makes us laugh, but she really does know what she's doing. I really like how she's integrating our faith (using different Bible verses in class) with communication. It's really neat.

5PM- University Chorale
I only have this class on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'm not sure what I think. I think I may withhold judgement for a while longer. It's definitely different from the choral experience I'm used to. There's only one director (and he's certainly not Mr. Tanner), and our accompanist is a piano performance major (ie: she's not Ms. Hickey or Ms. Morton). I'm working to keep an open mind and just enjoy making music, which I always do. One thing I will say is that it's really cool that everyone in the music department here views what we do as an offering to God and an act of worship. That is neat.

Tuesday, Thursday
8:30AM- Elementary Theory: Sightsinging & Eartraining
This class may actually be a challenge for me. Sightsinging isn't too hard, but I've never been very good at eartraining. That said, I'm excited to be able to practice all that. The prof is great. I really like her. Not much else to say

1:30PM- Environmental & Technological Science
This class just sounds intimidating, doesn't it? It actually was at first, but it's really growing on me. My prof is very much a believer in not simply feeding us information but making us responsible for our learning and teaching us how to become life-long learners. I am excited to learn about the environment since conservation and "going green" are such hot topics right now. One bad thing (and possibly a good thing) is that we'll be doing a lot of group work. I'm not very good at group work, so it will definitely be a learning experience for me.

3PM- Lifetime Wellness
This is going to be the one class that will take everything in me to attend. I don't know anyone and frankly, it's not my favorite subject matter. I'll get through though, I'm sure. Hey, maybe I'll actually learn something!

Well, I guess that's it for now. I have homework to get to now. Oh joy! Truly, I can't wait until Thanksgiving! Blessings all! Love you and miss you!

By the Light of a Thousand Candles

Wednesday night was our Candle Light Devotional here at ACU. It was amazing. I have no other word to describe it. All the incoming students (about 1500 of us) walked from Moody Colliseum to the ampitheatre while the sidewalks were lined with hundreds of upperclassmen, faculty, and alumni holding candles and singing worship songs. Once we were seated, all 1500 of us lit our candles (you know, the whole passing the flame along one by one). It was a beautiful picture. There were thousands of candles burning, and then the stars were just beautiful! It was really great.

The whole evening spoke volumes to me about unity, unity not only within ACU, but in the entire body of Christ. Seeing all those different faces and hearing all those voices just blew me away. God is so awesome (and I do mean that as in I am truly in awe of Him). He's an artist with limitless creativity. I mean, not only did He speak the beautiful stars into existance, but He formed and made so many people, each with their own specific gifting, passion, and purpose. Billions of people on earth, each different and each deeply loved. He's a Father with limitless love. God's devotion to us in His love truly blows me away, and I pray that by His grace and His strength in everything I do, every choice, every relationship, I would be devoted to Him. We've been talking a lot about revolution (our theme for Welcome Week is rLOVEution) and I had to stop and wonder as I saw all those candles burning: If we each have Christ's power in us, shouldn't revolution be a natural byproduct of our coming together as a body? More than that, (and to be honest, this is more of a comfort than a conviction) if God's Spirit (His Word, the sword of the Spirit) is living and active in me (as Ms. Beth Moore would say) shouldn't there be revolutions occuring daily in my own life?

I hear a resounding "YES!" echoing off the walls of my heart even now. And that is precisely why I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has some amazing stuff waiting for me on the horizon. I don't know what it is exactly, but I can hear God telling me to simply trust His limitlessness and say yes to Him daily. The truth is, whether we realize it or not, revolution does happen daily. Each morning when I climb down from my bed (haha.) and recognize the fact that it is the Lord's day and make the choice to "rejoice and be glad in it" even when there's really nothing special going on, that's a revolution. I pray that that will become my mindset once again, and that God will use that to make a difference somehow, and maybe, no definitely, that will lead to even greater things as I venture on this beautiful journey with the Lord of the Universe. Oh what joy it is to think that I walk each day hand-in-hand with the Lord of the Universe!

I love these times when the Lord ministers to me and I feel so confident and victorious in His Spirit. I'm still blown away when I think that the Lord of the Universe (I use that repetitively because to me it speaks power, grace, control, radiance, victory, and beauty) makes His home in my very heart. My Jesus conquered the grave and now He is living and active in me. How can I not embrace the fact, yes pure, unshakeable fact, that we are all "more than conquerors" because of God's amazing love?!

Oops. I think I started preaching there. Haha. I guess it's a good thing. It means I'm doing well right now. On a lighter note, I'm meeting tons and people and making friends really quickly. Last night was really fun, and refreshing. I was starting to feel overwhelmed with all the activities and information overload that is Welcome Week, but last night our whole floor got together in the hallway where we have some couches and just started sharing stories. It was really really neat and relaxed and I met some great people through that. It was the first time that a lot of people on our floor had really talked. I'm really excited to see relationships form. Good times!!!!!! I miss you all though. Really. Until next time, be blessed all!

More than a conqueror,
Stephanie

Picture Perfect?--Wow I wish I were more clever!

Here are the pictures I promised you all. This is home for the next few months. Sometime soon I'll try and get some pictures of campus up. It's really beautiful. Blessings!




Closet & door. Kudos to the girls back at the office, and my favorite cousins!




Sink, books, etc.


Keyboard area. Shadowboxes from my favorite sister and card from my favorite Maribel!




My bed and two of my favorite pictures. Thanks Lisa & Ms. Morton.



Desk and entertainment area. Yes, I have a SWEET tv! Kudos to my favorite aunt. ;-)

A New Journey

Greetings from ACU and welcome to the initial installment of my new blog, "A Journey in Grace." I hope that this will be a place where I can stay connected to the people that I love, but more than anything, I hope this will prove to be a medium through which I can share with you all how God is moving and what He is speaking to me for His glory. With that, enjoy, and please, check in often! From poetry, to deep thoughts, to pictures, to simple updates, you never know what you'll find!
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As I sit here in my new dorm room, I can't help but smile. I can't believe I'm finally here! More than that, I can't believe how happy I am! It's been raining all weekend (praise God, it stopped just long enough for me to get moved in yesterday), but then again, I love rain; it reminds me of renewal and grace. I guess I don't really know what to say. The last couple of weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm amazed at the peace that I felt the moment I walked onto campus. God has it all planned out. This is where I belong, and I am so blown away to see how God has prepared me for this. Even as I look around my room (this little world of pink, black, and treble clefs...) I see little reminders of all the people who continually cover me in prayer as I live life to seek His face. I can't wait to see where He's taking me!

Speaking of seeking God's face, I visited Univeristy Baptist Church this morning. I really liked it. It was a strange combination of BT and Trinity Baptist back home. It was Trinity's feel and small congregation with BT's charisma (no, not Charismatic... just charisma) and music. I'm not sure whether or not this church is "the one," but we'll see. It's going to be hard to find a new church family, but I'm believing God.

Well, I guess that's enough for now. Be blessed y'all!

Always smiling,
Stephanie