31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 11 - I Sometimes Cry

It's strange how the heart has it's own sense of time, and knows when anniversaries come around, even if our minds want to forget them.  My heart knows that a year ago tomorrow is when he asked me to be his girl, and then two months later we parted ways.  My mind says I should be over it by now, but the tears fall anyway.  I thought he was the one.  I thought it was finally time for all these longing in my heart to be fulfilled and all those dreams to come true.  It wasn't.  It's really that simple.  God has His timing and it's not always the same as mine and that is good.  Truly.  But that doesn't take away the pain. 

And normally I would keep this all in the privacy of my own journal, except I got a message from a friend the other day.  A message about jealousy and frustration and bitterness and resentment and unfulfilled longing and the fight to keep trusting.   And I typed back through tears.  I get you.  I understand completely.  I know what it feels like to count the gifts every day, and every day have that pang of longing stab you in the heart.  I know what it is to be content, happy even, but still feel this constant ache.  I know how hard it is to celebrate for others over and over while you are still waiting.  I know what it feels like to have the seed of your dream buried in the dark earth and watch it die.  I know what it feels like to wait for resurrection.  I think we all know that.

I remember I was 15.  We were out with the youth group and my friend whispers it soft, "You know, sometimes I cry, because I just wonder if these dreams will ever come true." (We were apparently very deep feeling teenagers.)  Her words stuck with me, and I wrote this song.  Because, yeah, sometimes we cry.  Sometimes we lie awake at night and wonder when the waiting will end.  But in the waiting and our deep need for Hope, we meet God.  In the lack of answers and the battle for faith, God meets us.  And He is a God who loves transforming pain into beauty, including transforming tears of sorrow into tears of joy.  So, here's a little something from the journal of 15 year old me, because it's been playing in my head over and over the last few days.

I Sometimes Cry

Verse 1:

I have dreams of what my life should be

I have a future I would like to see

But nothing ever turns out how I planned

It seems the pain is more than I can stand

So I clutch the pieces of my broken heart

Wishing I could make a whole new start

Take back all of these mistakes I’ve made

Wishing they’d all fade like the day

Chorus:

And I, I sometimes cry

And there are times I lie awake at night

I long for love

I long to be held tight

I’ll confess to you

I sometimes cry

Verse 2:

Tell me there’s a purpose to this pain

‘Cause I know that I’ll never be the same

I’ve been here so many times before

And I just pray

That I’ll get out once more

Chorus

 And I, I sometimes cry

And there are times I lie awake at night

I long for love

I long to be held tight

I’ll confess to you

I sometimes...

Bridge:

You’ve proven faithful time and time again

You say you’ll work it all out in the end

I’ve come face to face with all your truth

And I realize all I need is you

Chorus 2:

And I, I sometimes cry

And there are times I’ll lie awake at night

You show me love, and God you hold me tight

You shield my heart, and guide me with your light

You took the cross, and Lord you changed my life

When I see your love, I can’t help but cry                       

Stephanie M. Frakes

(October 31, 2005)

31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 2 - Every Blazing Sunrise

I'll say it straight out.  I sometimes battle with anxiety.  Normally I'm fine, but there are some days when I struggle to catch my breath and everything feels tight and I have this unnameable fear that I might drown.  There will definitely be more on that later... what this proverbial thorn in my side has meant to my journey with God and how it has shaped me.  Today, though, I just want to touch on this: the greatest insight into battling anxiety that anyone has ever given me.  I pray it brings life and light for someone.


Anxiety is a defensive reaction of your body in moments when you feel overwhelmed or in danger (like when a recovering perfectionist feels like she just can't hold it all together anymore).  With that in mind, I have learned to fight anxiety by reminding my body that I am safe, secure, held and the beloved of God.  I need no other defense.  This is indeed a full on fight, and there are times when it feels like it's just too much, times when I am desperate for a reminder.  This poem comes from one of those times.  It blows my mind that no matter how much I struggle, or how weak I feel, He is faithful and lavish in His loving providence. I can trust Him.

Every Blazing Sunrise

I can't decide
If I'm just stuck in soul's dark night
Or if I've actually gone blind
And the thought, it terrifies
I can feel the ropes that bind
Tightening again
Just like the fists that clench
And I try to catch my breath
I have no strength left
To fight
Can I do it all again?
Just one more time?
Turn these weary eyes
Toward the eastern sky
And hope... just hope
To catch the breaking light

And every blazing sunrise
Is tinged with the blood of Christ
Singing symphonies of grace
And a God mighty to save
Every blazing sunrise
Means heaven's breaking bright
Means I'm still alive
And all will be made right
On the other side
Every blazing sunrise
Burns away these ropes that bind
The reign of darkness
And of night
It ends
Oh, yes, it ends
With every blazing sunrise

Stephanie M. Frakes
September 24, 2014

*for more Beauty like the picture in this post, go get to know Ann Voskamp over at A Holy Experience*

Sacred Rain - Alive to Live

There is something decidedly sacred about rain.  It speaks deep of providence and faithfulness and peace and cleansing.  It calls us to move beyond being alive to actually Living.  Emily Dickinson said it: "And rivers where the houses ran/ The living looked that day."  She echoes my own cries to Look and to See and to be counted among the Living swept away by the Beauty.  So... on a Monday afternoon, a poem written from my stairwell during a steady Saturday morning downpour, a cry to Live and to See... enjoy!

Alive to Live
It runs
In rivers cross the concrete
And dances
Circles as it falls
Somehow puts to shame
The noise of a restless world
Reminds us we are alive
Commands us to Live
Mist swirls with a chill
And I can feel
And I can breathe
My heart like the parched ground
Soaking to overflowing
My soul
A glutton
Rivulets writing love on the heart
To stay?
I hope
As I breathe thanks
To Live now

Stephanie M. Frakes
September 28, 2013

Something to It - A Prayer and a Poem for the Weary Beloved

I am weary today.  A chronic fixer who is finding all the things she cannot fix.  A control freak who is facing all the things outside of her control.  And I am committing these words to pixels because it is the only way I can find to embrace you, beloved.  You who, surely, are more weary than I.  And I whisper thanks for you, on your behalf, because thanksgiving precedes the miracle. And, oh, how we need miracles!

Thank you, Father, for sufficient grace, a suffering Savior, an abiding Spirit, and for your words spoken, "So also you will have sorrow, but you will see Me again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you!" (John 16:22)  Thank you for being Comforter, and Healer, and Warrior, and all that we need.  Thank you for the cross and for victory.  Thank you that you are faithful, that you, Jesus, taught me in the Eucharist, and in Eucharisteo, to give thanks for brokenness and pain, and for conquering both.  Thank you, Creator, for the stars that teach me to trust you for all I have yet to see.  For making beautiful things out of the dust of broken hearts... THANK YOU.

Something to It
There is something to it
The way the stars shine
And my life shrinks
I would reach
To touch the beauty
To be all eye
And with Isaiah's angels cry,
"Holy, holy, holy are you Lord God Almighty!"
And the darkness cannot overwhelm me
Like Your glory
The way Holy would reach
To touch a sinner like me
And call me Beloved

I would not run away
If you were to take
One of those stars ablaze
Like hot coals
And cleanse these lips
That I might praise
Your goodness
Even in the darkness

If I white-knuckle grip to your grace,
Will you break the grip of fear on my life?
I break the bread.
You broke Your Body.
The cross could not hold you
Any more than the darkness
Can hold back the stars
You conquer death
You conquer fear
And I can breathe
Because Your power and glory
Take my breath away
Breaking every chain
And all things shrink
In Your Beauty

There's something to it
The way the stars shine
That helps me believe.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(August 4, 2013)  

Blast from the Past

I saw an old friend over Thanksgiving break.  I can't believe I hadn't seen him in something like five years, but he was gracious enough to brave the traffic and pick me up from DFW airport on Sunday.  Chivalry is not dead, ladies and gentleman! :)  Anyway, I guess seeing him again got me feeling a little nostalgic, so I find myself on this Friday evening flipping through some old recordings on iTunes from my songwriting days.  (Those of you who have only known me for the last few years may be shocked that I ever wrote songs!)  The truth is that I miss those days.  It actually breaks my heart a little that I don't write like I once did.  It really breaks my heart that I don't remember how to play any of those songs anymore!  I used to have dreams of making an album.  It would have been called "Beautiful Again..."  But seasons are seasons, and there is a time for everything under the sun, I suppose.  For now, I am content with my journal musings with God, a few poems here and there, and singing "Naughty Kitty Cat" to my kiddos at school.   Maybe the seasons will change again in the future.  Maybe not.  Nevertheless, here are a couple of those old songs for your enjoyment!

I am reminded of this fact as I traverse memory lane: the path we walk with God is a path of victory and redemption.  We move from glory to glory, and God is good.

Beautiful Soul

Stephanie Frakes

November 16, 2009

Sometimes the pain is more than she can hide

Sometimes the battle raged is more than she can fight

And she cries but no one hears her

Yeah, she cries, but she won’t let you see her

But He knows and the scars on her arms tear Him apart

He knows and He wants her to know she holds His heart

He loves the tortured, beautiful soul

She can’t explain this feeling here inside

She slipping away no matter how hard she tries

And she cries but no one hears her

Yeah, she cries but she won’t let you see her

And the tears smear the ink as she pours out herself

She’s down on her knees and she's crying for help

And He says…

I know and the scars on your arms tore me apart 

Now you’re whole, and I want you to know you hold my heart

I love, I love, I love you, my beautiful soul

Beautiful Again

Lyrics by: Stephanie Frakes and Jacob Wallace

Music by: Stephanie Frakes

July 11, 2009

Broken daughter, won’t you look into My eyes?

Broken daughter, can’t you see the blood of Christ?

It came to cleanse you, and to make you new again

Beautiful again, Beautiful

Like the stars in the sky shine through the darkest night

Beautifully for you, Beautiful

Look up and remember you're Mine

Broken daughter, won’t you stand here by My side?

Broken daughter, can’t you feel the love of Christ?

It came to heal you and to make you new again 

And even behind the clouds the stars still shine

And even when you doubt, darling, you’re still Mine

Look up and remember

You'll never be called broken

You are forever Mine

Walking Psalm - The overflow of life

I don't like seeing videos of myself, but this poem is the first I have ever written that needed to be heard, not just read.  It is a simple overflow of my current place in life spiritually, emotionally, mentally.  Enjoy!

Walking Psalm

There are only wisps of clouds in the sky

Just enough to remind me

That we all need rain to grow

The moon is white

Enough to remind me

That the stars come out only at night

But for now, the sky is blue

The sun is warm

And Your faithfulness

And Your grace

Are at the forefront

In these moments between the storms

And everywhere my eyes fall

I see a thousand gifts

Gifts for my heart to grasp

Even if my mind cannot

You.  Are.  Good.

And if there was nothing else given to me

Let my spirit say

It is enough.

For today, if not for tomorrow

It.  Is.  Enough.

Because light or dark

Whispers or shouts

You are here and You are more

Than what my life's about

You.  Are.  My Life.

And every day two hundred little lives touch mine

With joy and eagerness and innocence

And I realize

Sun shine or rain fall

I have so much more than I deserve

A thousand reasons

To live and to sing and to worship

And to give You the glory and the thanks

That You deserve

For You are full of grace and

You.  Are.  Good.

Stephanie M. Frakes

(October 25, 2012)

The More Things Change - Thoughts on life in transition

The More Things Change

I am not who I once was

I've seen dreams planted like seeds

Grow into reality

Then fade into memory

I've traveled across the sea

Watched You make me

Into Your vessel of ministry

I've sat in the pit and wept

Until You set me free

I've watched friends love and leave

I've loved and left as well

And on this journey

I have seen everything change

And some days I see scars when I look in the mirror

On other days I see a woman of grace

Still others reveal a child full of fear

And things change

But the more things change

The more they stay the same

Because Your love remains unfailing

Stephanie M. Frakes

(October 7, 2012)

In the Desert with My Tears - Thoughts on brokenness

I wrote these words at the pinnacle of a season of struggle.  Today's rain reminds me of the Truth the Shepherd and I discovered in the darkness.

July 21, 2012
There are times when all we have to offer God is our tears, when the brokenness of the world becomes clear and we grow weary and we grieve.  The healing of eternity feels so far away and every joyful moment we've experienced seems to fade into distant memory.  We live in the desert.  We grow angry with God and try to carry our burdens on our own, and when they become too much, we grow angrier still.  Then we finally drop the good Christian facade that says we're fine, and we cry out to God... and He answers our pounding fist with words of love.  That is freedom.  And so we water the desert with the tears we weep and God in His sovereignty causes a harvest to abound.  Oh marvelous mystery!

In the Desert with my Tears

The dust rises

In  clouds around me

To mock the cloudless sky

As my knees hit the ground

I'd cry

If I had the strength

But my eyes stay as dry

As my parched throat

My muscles ache

As I lie

Crumpled beneath the weight

Of the pain

I carry

Normally

I'd grit my teeth

And continue on my journey

But today

I simply

Can't

The sand is coarse against my skin

The sun is hot

But the anger in my heart

Burns even hotter

As I wonder

Where You are

And why you would call me

Here

To this place of pain

To this desert

When I can still taste paradise

And suddenly

The air grows thick with mystery

My fist hits the sand

There's so much I just

Can't understand

But You whisper to me

Softly

Words of love

And nothing more

I am angry with You, Lord!

And still You love?

The tears cannot be stopped

As they gently, quickly fall

And the weight of it all

Begins to lift

And everything I've missed

Becomes clear

I will water this desert

With my tears

And pray

That someday

A harvest will abound

From this parched and broken ground

For only You can satisfy

And bring fruit

From a land so dry

And hopeless

So here am I

In the desert with my tears.

Stephanie M. Frakes

July 21, 2012

Remember When: Thoughts on Christian Community

Remember When

We climbed a mountain, you and I

It was a sight to behold

Such perspective we would gain

Eternal Beauties yet untold

So we built an altar

From our laughter and our tears

And those words of faith

That we’ve rehearsed throughout the years

Then there came the time

For us to journey down

Back into the valley

Where deep, deep need abounds

I confess I am reluctant

To leave these heights for what’s below

But we’re called to move from heights to depths

Just like the rivers flow

Downward, ever downward

In humility and grace

To live out our altar moments

In the everyday

We’ve spoken of eternal things

That stir us heart and soul

Now we must go live these things

We can’t describe, but Know

So you go your way, I’ll go mine

And we will meet again

Every time we need to hear

Those words:  “Remember when…”

Stephanie M. Frakes

September 18, 2012

Exhale: Why I go to church

Exhale

In Your presence I find

For all my longing

My seeking

My crying out

A quiet place

Of reverence

Humility

Emptiness

Fullness

A mystery explained

But never understood

Realized

Felt

But never grasped

Though I've tried

And failed

My heart rises

My chest falls

I exhale

Emptying

To be made full

Again

And again

And over again

Forever

Stephanie M. Frakes

September 9, 2012

Tears

I’m unsure what these tears mean,

The silent ones

That roll down my cheeks

Gently.

And they strike me

As odd,

Because my heart feels so at ease.

My mind wants to race

With thoughts of fear

And insecurity,

But my soul is quiet,

Still,

At peace.

I’m okay.

I’ll wait.

I’m content to place

My trust in You,

To wait

For Your plan to unfold,

For joys yet untold.

I will place my whole

Broken heart in Your hands

With all the things I can’t quite understand,

And all the things I know

Too well.

Like how weak I am

On my own.

And maybe that’s the point

Of tears like these.

Not so much tears of sorrow

As of surrender and release.

They are the tears of one

Who thought she was strong

And realized,

By the grace of God,

She’s not.

But weakness is worthy of Love.

And that Love

Is where strength comes from.

And she can finally

Let go.

Stephanie M. Frakes

(January 14, 2012)

Even Here

I was going through an old journal and I found this poem. I felt like it went pretty well with my last post. Enjoy!

Even Here

There is no silence

There is no music

There is only noise

Rushing and swirling

Like a raging sea

I can’t hear Your voice

I can’t feel Your touch

Are You even speaking?

Are You even reaching?

Are you even here?

It doesn’t take much

To make me feel like

All the joy and love I once felt

Is gone forever

It doesn’t take much

To make me feel like

This raucous noise

Will hide Your voice

Forever

But once again

I’m slowly realizing

Once again

As Your light shines

I’m finding

Even here in the madness

You’re my God

Even here in the raucous

You’re my Song

Even here in the chaos

That comes with this life

You’re here

And You’re reaching

You’re here

And You’re speaking

Even here.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(August 30, 2009)

Maybe

I haven't felt much like writing the last month or so. Words just haven't seemed to come. I'm not going to lie, it's scared me. It's not like me to not have words. This poem is a sort of stream of consciousness of what God has been speaking to me recently. I'm not sure if it will make sense to anyone else, but we'll see. Here's what I'm learning: words are not the most important thing. Being able to explain and predict what God is doing and going to do in my life isn't important. It's about being humble enough to relinquish control, and to accept and enjoy His blessings rather than endeavoring to deserve them. It's about trusting Him completely, and intentionally seeking Him and chasing His heart. God is good. I am His child. Through Christ I have found freedom and victory. These are the things that really matter.

*****

Maybe

I’m never more afraid
Than when words seem to escape,
And nothing can explain
My feelings.
And so I fall on my knees,
And I weep.
The tears express a need
So deep
I cannot speak
Or even think.

I feel words leave.
A lack of clarity
Overwhelms me,
But maybe
That’s where I should be.
Maybe words aren’t as important
As I so often think.
Maybe clarity of vision
Isn’t really what I need.
Maybe it’s all about trusting.

Trusting Your plans for me.

Trusting my identity
As Your child.

Trusting Your goodness and control
Over things I’ll never know.

Maybe it’s a willingness
To let go.

To savor blessings
I know
I could never deserve,
Beyond the reach
Of my control.

To chase Your heart.

To let you love me.

Maybe
That’s what you have for me.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(March 15, 2011)

My Sweetest Dream

My Sweetest Dream

I don’t know what to do with all of this.

There are moments

When it all just seems right,

And everything fits.

But when that dazzling sunset’s over

Bringing an end to all that bliss

And the sense of empowerment

That comes with it

These shadows of a vision

Scare me.

And I feel weak.

And the enemy

Makes nightmares

Of my dreams.

And Hope seems

To fade.

And I can’t see any way

To believe.

The darkness haunts me,

And all that I can do

Is wait.

How long, oh Lord,

Must I wait?

Wait for another sunrise?

Wait for Hope to be revived?

Do You even hear my cries?

Begging for a way

To release all that stirs inside

This passionate heart of mine.

Oh, but it’s not mine, is it?

It’s Yours.

I’m all Yours.

Past, future, present

Dreams, will, and vision

It isn’t

At all what it seems.

You love me.

You hear me.

Though I may feel confined

Soon I’ll find

As I wait for morning’s light

Your grace is sufficient

For me.

Your forever love

Is my greatest destiny.

And You, my Love,

Are my sweetest dream.

Stephanie M. Frakes

(December 30, 2010)

Thank You for the Sun

Thank You for the Sun

It's been cold of late
With ice on the ground
And all of the clouds
Painted a dismal shade
of gray.

And no escape
To be found...
Until today
When the clouds made way
For the light.

From my place on the pew
It caught my eye:
Rich, golden light
Streaming through
The sanctuary.

And all that I could do
Was soak it in
And let my heart cry
"Thank You!"

And I do thank You
For warmth
For light
For love
For life.

Oh Father,
I've been undone.
Thank You!
Thank You for the sun!

Stephanie M. Frakes
February 6, 2011

A Thousand

A Thousand

I’d fall a thousand times
Just to feel You reach out and catch me.
I’d cry a thousand tears
Just to feel You wipe them from my cheek.
I’d jump off a thousand cliffs
Just to feel You lift me on Your wings.

I would break my heart into a thousand pieces,
Or brave a thousand storms
Just to learn what peace is.
I’d run a thousand miles,
Or swim a thousand seas
Just to look into Your eyes
And know the joy of sweet release.

I’d give anything
And everything away.
I’d face a thousand giants
Or a thousand years of pain
Just so I could hear You when You say
“I love you!”
Just to find myself for a moment
Before Your throne of grace,
For nothing
This human mind could ever comprehend
Could be so great
As a moment
In Your presence.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(December 30, 2010)

If it all Really Matters

If it all Really Matters

How quickly

Does my life start to feel

Like disaster

And I wonder if it all

Really matters

As much as I think

When my heart begins to sink

The moment

All my strivings seem

To fail

And fear sets in

And tears build up

And everything in me screams

I'll never be good enough

Who sets the scale?

Does it matter if I measure up?

To whose standards?

Theirs?

My own?

Could it be that there's

More than what I achieve

And what people think

Of me?

Something

That won't just be forgotten

Next year or next week

Can I let it be?

Can I learn to see

And receive the peace

Of strivings ceased?

Just allow my Beloved

To love me

And lead me

Find Security

In the glory

Of the power that drives me to my knees

Can I drop the pride

and simply cry

"Thank You!"

Because I've been set free

And His love goes beyond what I achieve

He freely works through me

In ways I can't conceive

Can I look at all the things

I do

And realize

It doesn't matter really.

Because Life is beyond me.

I am free indeed.

Stephanie M. Frakes

(November 17, 2010)

A Moment to Weep

A Moment to Weep

Just give me a moment to weep
As I begin to let go
Of all the tension that I keep
And my heart is swept away
By this feeling of release

Just give me a moment to weep
As I take on this journey
To a new and foreign land
Battle against feelings
I can’t begin to understand
Melt under the weight
Of the glory in Your hand
Pressed against the small of my back
As we dance
Divine romance
That goes beyond all my deepest longings

Just give me a moment to weep
As I learn to sing
And to breathe
In time with You
As I become all You mean
For me to be
Free
It’s so far beyond me
And yet I believe
It’s my destiny
My reality
Or my wildest dream
And I promise
I’ll go where you lead
On this journey
But for now, Lord, just hold me
And give me a moment to weep

Stephanie M. Frakes
(November 21, 2010)

Given Over

I wrote this song something like a month ago. It provides a little background for my last post. How wonderful it is to serve a God who lifts us up when we come face to face with our own weakness! It is purely out of love that I make my greatest desire to lay my life, my dreams, and my will down on His altar in daily sacrifice. "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing in God's sight. This is your spiritual act of worship." (Romans 12:1)

Given Over

Words and Music by Stephanie M. Frakes

To Pauline Bjorem for setting these two words resonating in my heart and teaching me, by example, how to live them.

I've fought this battle

A thousand times before

And still I always wonder

Just what I'm fighting for

It's just so foolish

To think it's up to me

To scale the heights of love

Or delve the depths of peace

And then I feel the earth against my knees

And it's clear that I am flesh

And I am weak

But that's when You lift me

To rise on eagles' wings

When I've nothing left to offer

But all You offer me

My life here on Your altar

A humble offering

It's all You've given me

Given over

Words are so easy

Falling from my lips

Until I start to wonder

How then shall I live?

The moment I realize

To live what I believe

Requires so much more

Than songs and poetry

And then I feel the earth against my knees

And it's clear that I am flesh

And I am weak

But that's when You lift me

To rise on eagles' wings

When I've nothing left to offer

But all You offer me

My life here on Your altar

A humble offering

It's all You've given me

Given over

To Your power, to Your love

Given over

To Your presence, it's enough

Given over

To Your glory, to Your will

Given over

At the Pool of Sent

The story of Jesus healing the blind man in John chapter 9 has some special significance to me. It is the story God used to confirm in my heart that He has called me to seminary. I am a firm believer that we are all called to live a lifestyle of ministry wherever we are at. Ministry is a natural overflow of the Holy Spirit living in us. That is why I cannot say with any complete certainty at this point that God has called me into vocational ministry. I can only say that His desire for my future is to go to seminary and immerse myself in the study of His word so that I might be fully equipped for whatever He leads me to. I was blind, but Christ made me see. I was bound in chains, but He set me free. I was mute, but He gave me a song to sing. And now we are on an incredible journey... a journey of sanctification and transformation from glory to glory. Falling at His feet in worship, dedicating my life to following and serving Him seems the only response.

Something that has particularly begun to strike me recently is this idea that my affliction, my moments of darkness, my days in the pit, these all become the conduit through which God's work flows into and through my life. These are all places where Christ meets me and touches me and heals me and teaches me and transforms me. And as painful as those times might be, I actually look back on them, not just with a sense of peace, but an honest joy! I can actually be thankful for the pits and the moments I fall, because they provide opportunity to build a deeper intimacy with my Savior and Redeemer. In the wilderness, I am refined so that I can reflect the full glory of God as I go about my daily life.

Here is where I stand: I believe sorrow and suffering in our lives is not accidental and that our afflictions are actually predestined. The pits and our pitfalls along the journey do not surprise God, but rather are a part of His plan to meet us and refine us. That is what the blind man washing in the pool of Saloam (which means Sent) means to me. It's not the pool of "sending" or "going to send" or "might send." It is the pool of SENT. It's predestined. Our pain, the cancer, the self injury, the divorce, the sexual abuse, the depression, the addiction, the insecurity, the intense season of doubt, the fear, the anxiety, the unplanned pregnancy... none of it is without purpose. Even before we knew Christ, we were chosen, Sent to one day go and proclaim His power and grace and goodness. We face affliction so that Christ can have the victory and set us free. Though we know not when, I believe it will happen, and we will rejoice over the pain we once faced. That, my dear friends, is HOPE.

Bound to be set free,

Stephanie

At the Pool of Sent

There was a time

When I was blind

And I never knew why.

Who sinned?

And what was the sin

That had denied me my vision?

And I was fine.

I learned to get by.

The darkness hid the tears I'd cry

On my knees as I wrestled

With that unvoiced question:

Why?

Then one Sabbath

I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin

And I heard them

A group of men

Asking my question.

"Who sinned

To cause this man's affliction?"

And I prepared for an answer

To reinforce the condemnation.

But instead

The Man said,

"No one."

And in response to our surprise,

He replied,

"This man lacks his sight

So that all might

See the glory of God's work in his life."

Then I felt His hands

Placing mud upon my eyes.

I'll never forget

When He said,

"Go now, and wash in the Pool of Sent."

Only later did I realize

What He really meant

To say.

That my affliction

Had been predestined.

I had been chosen

To meet the Son of God

And experience His touch

Right there in the pit.

Before I even knew Him

I was Sent

To proclaim His faithfulness,

His power, and His goodness.

This pain

Which no one could explain

Became

A conduit

Of God's grace

And glory.

It has shaped me,

The day I could finally see

The Man who stood before me,

And I believed.

Now I live

To worship at His feet.

That all might see

God's work displayed in me.

The fight was for His victory.

I was bound so He could set me free.

My suffering,

The stage for Glory.

Stephanie M. Frakes

(October 8, 2010)