Saturday, January 10, 2009

Father, I Said

Do you know me? Do you love me? I find that I ask these questions a lot. Not out loud, of course, but they do ring in my heart quite often. I long to be truly known and still truly loved. I just think that would be so wonderfully freeing and fulfilling. To know that nothing about you is hidden, to not have to worry and check constantly to ensure that the dark corners of your heart are still covered. To know that you are loved for the person you are, not the person you work so hard to create. Freeing and fulfilling and real. It's strange how in the presence of God I find just that, and yet so many times I want to run from it. God knows everything about me; He created my innermost being and hemmed me in behind and before. He knows me better than I know myself. I can't hide anything from Him. The light of His countenance exposes everything (scary though, isn't it?). Still, He tells me He loves me. I'm looking at Psalm 136. "Give thanks to the God of gods; His love endures forever... To Him who alone does great wonders, His love endures forever. Who by His understanding made the Heavens, His love endures forever!" Wow. Truly unconditional love. That is so beyond anything I can fathom... and that too scares me. How am I to accept that kind of love? So I find myself trying to get away. I fall to my knees and weep. I refuse to lift my eyes, because I know I'll see Him and He'll know and He'll love and I don't think I can handle that. I want that, but I don't think I can handle it.

The beautiful thing is that God is relentless. He sees me cowering, and He reaches down and gently lifts my chin until our eyes meet. And suddenly all my fears subside and all that's left is that longing, the one that brought me here in the first place. But even that doesn't last long because as He takes me into His arms, I know that it's been fulfilled. Now, I'd be a liar if I said I feel that all the time. Even with this beautiful picture, I still find myself wanting to run from God. It's hard for me to go to Him with everything, but that's okay. Really. What I feel, what I don't understand, what I struggle and battle to accept... none of that changes the fact that God does truly know me and truly love me... and I am His. And you know, every day of my life I see my fear diminish and my acceptance increase as He and I journey together. Oh what joy!

Father, I Said

“Father,” I said,
“Do You know me?”
“Father,” I said,
“Do You love me?”
“Father,” I said,
As I knelt and I wept
And all of my words quickly fled.

“My child,” He said,
“I know you
Even more than you, yourself do.”
“My child,” He said,
“How I love you!”
And somehow His words rang so true.

Yet I turned my eyes to the ground,
For there in His presence I found
A love so beyond comprehension
It filled me with fear, apprehension.
For I felt the full weight of my sin,
Yet He gently lifted my chin.
I looked in His eyes
And He looked in mine
And I knew I’d no reason to hide.

“Father,” I said
As He held me,
“I admit that I don’t understand.
My sin is exposed,
Insufficiencies known
Yet You relentlessly call me Your own.
I don’t understand,
Yet I am.”

Stephanie M. Frakes
(January 10, 2009)

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