Even Here

I was going through an old journal and I found this poem. I felt like it went pretty well with my last post. Enjoy!

Even Here

There is no silence

There is no music

There is only noise

Rushing and swirling

Like a raging sea

I can’t hear Your voice

I can’t feel Your touch

Are You even speaking?

Are You even reaching?

Are you even here?

It doesn’t take much

To make me feel like

All the joy and love I once felt

Is gone forever

It doesn’t take much

To make me feel like

This raucous noise

Will hide Your voice

Forever

But once again

I’m slowly realizing

Once again

As Your light shines

I’m finding

Even here in the madness

You’re my God

Even here in the raucous

You’re my Song

Even here in the chaos

That comes with this life

You’re here

And You’re reaching

You’re here

And You’re speaking

Even here.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(August 30, 2009)

An Ecclesiates State of Mind

This post is more a chance for me to process than anything else, but here goes. I feel like I'm in a constant battle. Like every day is this struggle to keep from getting swept away by this current of chaos and busyness that is "life." I feel like so much of my time is spent just trying to keep my head above water. I hate this lifestyle, these 18-19 hour days with schedules so jam packed I don't even have time to breathe, much less process all these things I'm supposed to be learning. Who decided this was okay? Who decided that running nonstop was a good idea? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who isn't happy with this?

I love turning to the book of Ecclesiastes when I feel this way. It helps me realize that, contrary to what the enemy would like me to believe, I'm not alone. Here a few verses that I'm really relating to right now:

All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. (1:8)

My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun (2:10b-11)

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. (2:17)

All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless. (2:23)

So here I am. Weary. Frustrated. Joyless. Tired. Yes, I'm even a bit grouchy. And I'm realizing that this is one of Satan's most powerful weapons: causing the people of God to chase after the wind. Making us hate life, because we touch nothing real or lasting. Making us feel like everything is meaningless. Causing us to go numb. Letting us dig ourselves into a pit of cynicism. Stealing our joy. And, in so doing, rendering us useless.

It IS a constant battle! It's a battle to cling to God's truth, to remember the wonders of who God is and all He has done for us. It's a battle against the lies that say we are sufficient in ourselves (or should be), and to surrender to the Holy Spirit. In times like this, I am so quick to forget how BLESSED I am! I am a child of God, and have received every spiritual blessing in Christ! I will not allow the world, the flesh, or the Devil to distract me from that. By the grace of God, I will walk in that truth. I can't change the way life is. I can't change the demands. I can, however, change my focus. I can stop relying on myself and rely on Christ in me, my hope of glory. I can realize I'm in a battle, take on the armor of the Lord, and FIGHT. I can deny my pride, fall on my knees, and receive the peace, and love, and grace, and mercy that I don't deserve. I can stop trying to figure out life (because my human mind could never understand anyway) and just live it! And not just live it, but live it to the fullest, enjoying it, because I know that God is good and powerful and in complete control. "Remember your Creator," Ecclesiastes says. Chasing after the wind is meaningless. Work is meaningless... unless you remember your Creator.

His,

Stephanie

Maybe

I haven't felt much like writing the last month or so. Words just haven't seemed to come. I'm not going to lie, it's scared me. It's not like me to not have words. This poem is a sort of stream of consciousness of what God has been speaking to me recently. I'm not sure if it will make sense to anyone else, but we'll see. Here's what I'm learning: words are not the most important thing. Being able to explain and predict what God is doing and going to do in my life isn't important. It's about being humble enough to relinquish control, and to accept and enjoy His blessings rather than endeavoring to deserve them. It's about trusting Him completely, and intentionally seeking Him and chasing His heart. God is good. I am His child. Through Christ I have found freedom and victory. These are the things that really matter.

*****

Maybe

I’m never more afraid
Than when words seem to escape,
And nothing can explain
My feelings.
And so I fall on my knees,
And I weep.
The tears express a need
So deep
I cannot speak
Or even think.

I feel words leave.
A lack of clarity
Overwhelms me,
But maybe
That’s where I should be.
Maybe words aren’t as important
As I so often think.
Maybe clarity of vision
Isn’t really what I need.
Maybe it’s all about trusting.

Trusting Your plans for me.

Trusting my identity
As Your child.

Trusting Your goodness and control
Over things I’ll never know.

Maybe it’s a willingness
To let go.

To savor blessings
I know
I could never deserve,
Beyond the reach
Of my control.

To chase Your heart.

To let you love me.

Maybe
That’s what you have for me.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(March 15, 2011)

My Sweetest Dream

My Sweetest Dream

I don’t know what to do with all of this.

There are moments

When it all just seems right,

And everything fits.

But when that dazzling sunset’s over

Bringing an end to all that bliss

And the sense of empowerment

That comes with it

These shadows of a vision

Scare me.

And I feel weak.

And the enemy

Makes nightmares

Of my dreams.

And Hope seems

To fade.

And I can’t see any way

To believe.

The darkness haunts me,

And all that I can do

Is wait.

How long, oh Lord,

Must I wait?

Wait for another sunrise?

Wait for Hope to be revived?

Do You even hear my cries?

Begging for a way

To release all that stirs inside

This passionate heart of mine.

Oh, but it’s not mine, is it?

It’s Yours.

I’m all Yours.

Past, future, present

Dreams, will, and vision

It isn’t

At all what it seems.

You love me.

You hear me.

Though I may feel confined

Soon I’ll find

As I wait for morning’s light

Your grace is sufficient

For me.

Your forever love

Is my greatest destiny.

And You, my Love,

Are my sweetest dream.

Stephanie M. Frakes

(December 30, 2010)