So we're sitting across the table at lunch and I confess it... this deep fear that's eating away at me. The fear that it's eventually going to become exposed that I'm just not good enough. And from there, the words just keep pouring out. I feel a little foolish - and yet so free. "I honestly don't know... why are you still here? What keeps you here? And how long before you realize you should have left?" It's out before I can stop it. I hadn't even realized how it was weighing on my heart until I heard it coming from my own lips. How often I ask that question and not just about the person sitting across from me in that moment! Do I really believe I am that unworthy of love? It sounds ridiculous out loud. But...
It's the silent lies we keep locked up and refuse to put words to that slowly tear us apart from the inside out.
And then I regain my sense of self. "Well, isn't this awkward? Why am I even telling you all this?" And I hear it from across the table, "It's good to bring it out into the light." Ah. Yes. That's what I'm doing, isn't it? Pulling back the curtain on my heart. Groping for the light switch with my words. And it's not like me. Not really. I don't do vulnerability. Not face to face. I hide behind pen and ink or pixels on a screen, unless you are one of the few in my inner circle, like the roommate who came out on the stairwell the other night to "make sure I didn't jump." *smile+head shake* And this is a new wrestling for Freedom. This is a new reaching. This is the peeling back of another layer, a moving deeper. And somehow, it's starting to make sense.
It's the silent lies that keep us from hearing the voice of the Father. It's little whispers of "no" that turn our hearts to stone.
And there is power here. And maybe this is why everyone around me seems to be harping on Community. Because when you can speak your internal struggles out loud, you can bring them to the Light, and the darkness loses its power. And then God can speak, and His omnipotent words can empower you. And I know because, yes, I felt vulnerable and a little foolish, but once I pushed past that, it's like the fog lifted and the fear subsided and I could breathe again! And then more words, "I'm not going to try to prove anything to you." I almost looked around to see who had said it. Because this Type-A, perfectionist, performance oriented, over achiever? She has lived the better part of her years trying to prove something! And when all my confessions were met with few words instead of a bunch of empty ones that would just tickle the ears? I found my heart more than okay. I found my heart thankful, because really He is more than enough. And those glimpses of transformation and God at work are rich grace.
Because in the silence I think I'm a lost cause. I feel trapped and stuck and hopeless. Then the heart hardens and the ears go deaf. But when we are willing to humble ourselves and break the silence, God exposes and speaks and empowers. And that's what Community is. It's not "here I am, fix me!" It's "I'm broken and you're broken and let's bless each other." It is the safe place where we face the challenge of being vulnerable and expose it all to the Light. And sure, maybe we get burned. Maybe we end up hurt, but I know that at the end of it all, He holds my heart and His heart toward me is nothing but good. So maybe... just maybe it's worth the risk.