The Journey from Dream to Reality

I added a countdown to the desktop on my computer yesterday. 41 days until China. Somehow I don’t know whether to dance or to cry right now. That’s the truth of it. I go through so many different emotions every time I think about getting on a plane and flying to Beijing. Last week, when I got the confirmation for my plane ticket, I nearly screamed, and I definitely did a little dance right there in my seat. I have been dreaming of going to China for years, and now God is making that a reality. I look at pictures on Bethel’s website and see the children and staff I’ll be working with, and my heart stirs inside. I am excited for this journey, a journey that has already begun, though I am over a month from setting foot in an airport, as God prepares my heart.

At the same time though, reality is much more terrifying than a dream. One question keeps coming back to my mind: What in the world were you thinking?! Who in her right mind decides to travel to Beijing, China by herself?! The only answer I can give, and I hope that this is the truth, is that I am a young woman chasing after the heart of God. I am pursuing the passion that God has put on my heart to love orphans in China. I am running through every door God opens, and trusting Him to open those that appear to be closed. God told me He would send me to China, and He has been faithful to make a way. Who in her right mind wouldn’t follow the lead of such a faithful and loving God?

I don’t know what this summer holds for me. I know I’ll be spending two months in a foreign country where I barely know how to say hello (and that I learned from a popular preschool show… Ni-hao Kailan!). My cell phone won’t work. I won’t be able to text or call. There will be a thirteen hour time difference between my family and me. I will not be able to express my faith in the ways I am used to. I also know this though: I will be on the adventure of a lifetime. I will be chasing after the heart of God. I will be given the opportunity to help expand a ministry whose vision is to see every visually impaired orphan in China loved and cared for. That is quite the vision, and God is letting me join in that mission. I am one of the most blessed young women you will ever meet! It’s going to be hard. I’m not fooling myself. I don’t know exactly how everything is going to work out (a huge challenge for a classic type-A like me), but I do know that my God is greater and stronger. He is faithful, and He loves His children. He will not let me fall.

I have taken this verse from John 9 as a sort of theme for my summer as well as for my overall ministry: ‘”Go,’ Jesus told him, ‘Wash in the Pool of Siloam (this word means “sent”).’ So the man went and washed and came home seeing.” Jesus told me to go. I am sent. So I’ll go. If someone were to ask me what one thing I know about my summer, this would be my answer: I will not return the same person. I’m going to come home seeing, seeing the way Jesus sees.

Even Here

I was going through an old journal and I found this poem. I felt like it went pretty well with my last post. Enjoy!

Even Here

There is no silence

There is no music

There is only noise

Rushing and swirling

Like a raging sea

I can’t hear Your voice

I can’t feel Your touch

Are You even speaking?

Are You even reaching?

Are you even here?

It doesn’t take much

To make me feel like

All the joy and love I once felt

Is gone forever

It doesn’t take much

To make me feel like

This raucous noise

Will hide Your voice

Forever

But once again

I’m slowly realizing

Once again

As Your light shines

I’m finding

Even here in the madness

You’re my God

Even here in the raucous

You’re my Song

Even here in the chaos

That comes with this life

You’re here

And You’re reaching

You’re here

And You’re speaking

Even here.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(August 30, 2009)

An Ecclesiates State of Mind

This post is more a chance for me to process than anything else, but here goes. I feel like I'm in a constant battle. Like every day is this struggle to keep from getting swept away by this current of chaos and busyness that is "life." I feel like so much of my time is spent just trying to keep my head above water. I hate this lifestyle, these 18-19 hour days with schedules so jam packed I don't even have time to breathe, much less process all these things I'm supposed to be learning. Who decided this was okay? Who decided that running nonstop was a good idea? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who isn't happy with this?

I love turning to the book of Ecclesiastes when I feel this way. It helps me realize that, contrary to what the enemy would like me to believe, I'm not alone. Here a few verses that I'm really relating to right now:

All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. (1:8)

My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun (2:10b-11)

So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. (2:17)

All their days their work is grief and pain; even at night their minds do not rest. This too is meaningless. (2:23)

So here I am. Weary. Frustrated. Joyless. Tired. Yes, I'm even a bit grouchy. And I'm realizing that this is one of Satan's most powerful weapons: causing the people of God to chase after the wind. Making us hate life, because we touch nothing real or lasting. Making us feel like everything is meaningless. Causing us to go numb. Letting us dig ourselves into a pit of cynicism. Stealing our joy. And, in so doing, rendering us useless.

It IS a constant battle! It's a battle to cling to God's truth, to remember the wonders of who God is and all He has done for us. It's a battle against the lies that say we are sufficient in ourselves (or should be), and to surrender to the Holy Spirit. In times like this, I am so quick to forget how BLESSED I am! I am a child of God, and have received every spiritual blessing in Christ! I will not allow the world, the flesh, or the Devil to distract me from that. By the grace of God, I will walk in that truth. I can't change the way life is. I can't change the demands. I can, however, change my focus. I can stop relying on myself and rely on Christ in me, my hope of glory. I can realize I'm in a battle, take on the armor of the Lord, and FIGHT. I can deny my pride, fall on my knees, and receive the peace, and love, and grace, and mercy that I don't deserve. I can stop trying to figure out life (because my human mind could never understand anyway) and just live it! And not just live it, but live it to the fullest, enjoying it, because I know that God is good and powerful and in complete control. "Remember your Creator," Ecclesiastes says. Chasing after the wind is meaningless. Work is meaningless... unless you remember your Creator.

His,

Stephanie

Maybe

I haven't felt much like writing the last month or so. Words just haven't seemed to come. I'm not going to lie, it's scared me. It's not like me to not have words. This poem is a sort of stream of consciousness of what God has been speaking to me recently. I'm not sure if it will make sense to anyone else, but we'll see. Here's what I'm learning: words are not the most important thing. Being able to explain and predict what God is doing and going to do in my life isn't important. It's about being humble enough to relinquish control, and to accept and enjoy His blessings rather than endeavoring to deserve them. It's about trusting Him completely, and intentionally seeking Him and chasing His heart. God is good. I am His child. Through Christ I have found freedom and victory. These are the things that really matter.

*****

Maybe

I’m never more afraid
Than when words seem to escape,
And nothing can explain
My feelings.
And so I fall on my knees,
And I weep.
The tears express a need
So deep
I cannot speak
Or even think.

I feel words leave.
A lack of clarity
Overwhelms me,
But maybe
That’s where I should be.
Maybe words aren’t as important
As I so often think.
Maybe clarity of vision
Isn’t really what I need.
Maybe it’s all about trusting.

Trusting Your plans for me.

Trusting my identity
As Your child.

Trusting Your goodness and control
Over things I’ll never know.

Maybe it’s a willingness
To let go.

To savor blessings
I know
I could never deserve,
Beyond the reach
Of my control.

To chase Your heart.

To let you love me.

Maybe
That’s what you have for me.

Stephanie M. Frakes
(March 15, 2011)

My Sweetest Dream

My Sweetest Dream

I don’t know what to do with all of this.

There are moments

When it all just seems right,

And everything fits.

But when that dazzling sunset’s over

Bringing an end to all that bliss

And the sense of empowerment

That comes with it

These shadows of a vision

Scare me.

And I feel weak.

And the enemy

Makes nightmares

Of my dreams.

And Hope seems

To fade.

And I can’t see any way

To believe.

The darkness haunts me,

And all that I can do

Is wait.

How long, oh Lord,

Must I wait?

Wait for another sunrise?

Wait for Hope to be revived?

Do You even hear my cries?

Begging for a way

To release all that stirs inside

This passionate heart of mine.

Oh, but it’s not mine, is it?

It’s Yours.

I’m all Yours.

Past, future, present

Dreams, will, and vision

It isn’t

At all what it seems.

You love me.

You hear me.

Though I may feel confined

Soon I’ll find

As I wait for morning’s light

Your grace is sufficient

For me.

Your forever love

Is my greatest destiny.

And You, my Love,

Are my sweetest dream.

Stephanie M. Frakes

(December 30, 2010)

Thank You for the Sun

Thank You for the Sun

It's been cold of late
With ice on the ground
And all of the clouds
Painted a dismal shade
of gray.

And no escape
To be found...
Until today
When the clouds made way
For the light.

From my place on the pew
It caught my eye:
Rich, golden light
Streaming through
The sanctuary.

And all that I could do
Was soak it in
And let my heart cry
"Thank You!"

And I do thank You
For warmth
For light
For love
For life.

Oh Father,
I've been undone.
Thank You!
Thank You for the sun!

Stephanie M. Frakes
February 6, 2011

Butterflies and Memories

So I was flipping through the pages of my journal today when I stumbled across an entry I had completely forgotten. It struck me in a fresh and new way, so I've decided to share it. This is the reason that I write, because God teaches us things that are profound and life-altering and they should be remembered.

*****

October 1, 2010

I love words. I really do. I am a Romantic through and through. To me, life is art; everything is a poem, a song waiting to be written. Each day brings some new adventure, some new lesson, some new discovery. Nothing is as it seems. There is always something deeper hidden below the surface, like precious gems waiting to be uncovered. And my Beloved... Oh, my Beloved is always there, reflected in every good and beautiful - and even dark and awful - thing around me. Yet, there are some experiences where it all falls short. The words, the songs, the poetry, the art... They cannot begin to capture it. Truth and beauty beyond words. A touch so profoundly impactful that it stills my pen - and my anxious heart. And words are replaced by smiles and laughter and gasps of delight and wonder. And then just stillness and the quiet joy (quiet, yet overwhelming) of simply being in the presence of my Beloved, sensing His smile, resting in His arms. That's the place where words fail, the place where simplicity overwhelms profundity.

I decided randomly to drive out to the lake today. I felt like I needed to get away and just sit and write and read and enjoy God. Never mind that I've never been out to the lake before and had no clue where I was going. My friend, Tonye, and I are always up for an adventure. After an hour and about seven wrong turns down dirt roads, we found ourselves on a narrow road lined with overgrown trees. As tempting as it was to turn around, in the spirit of adventure I kept going (after seven wrong turns I knew there'd always be a place to turn around). No one could have prepared me for what I saw. First one butterfly, with wings like the sunset, few passed my windshield, then a couple. Suddenly, there were hundreds! Covering the branches around me like orange blossoms, flying circles around my car. So I parked. Right there on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere (just south of Wits End... really, there was a sign). And I marveled. And I laughed and smiled and sat stunned as those beautiful creatures flew around. Then I glanced to my right and saw the sun setting, painting the sky some indescribable shade of orange and transforming the lake into a giant butterfly wing with its orange and black designs.

And I could say so many things. I could talk about how only when the lake is still can it truly reflect the light and become a work of art. Or how the butterflies simply fluttered about, never questioning their stunning beauty. Or about how butterflies fly in a way I can relate to: less than graceful, far from effortless, yet beautiful and completely content to the glory of their Creator. Or about how, often, it is when we have no idea where we're going or how we'll get there that we find the greatest gifts.

I could say any of those things, but great and true as they might be, those words are empty compared to the ones God whispered softly, tenderly, and directly to my heart. "This is for you, my darling. And it needn't teach you anything more than that I love you. As your physical senses savor this experience of beauty, may your heart savor this experience of my deep affection and fondness for you. As you smile at the sight of butterflies and sunsets, so I smile as I look at you, my beloved, my precious love." And once again, my soul finds true rest.

I will say one interesting thing I learned... butterflies are hard sleepers (who knew that butterflies sleep?!). Once they are at rest nothing can stir them. I'll confess... I tried. And so I find myself singing the words of that old hymn:

Perfect submission, all is at rest

I in my Savior am happy and blessed

Angels descending bring from above

Echoes of mercy and whispers of love

Who is this God I have fallen so head over heels in love with? Can we really go any deeper? Oh, yes! Lord, lead the way!

His,

Stephanie