Setting the timer again this week. This is a tough one... Lonely.
I wouldn't have noticed it if my fingers hadn't slipped on the keyboard. There is one letter difference between "lonely" and "lovely." Which one is more natural for me to type? Because what it all comes down to really is what I believe in this life. Am I lonely? Or am I lovely?
I know what I want to be... but feelings... they are deceptive. I stand out on the stairwell every night and lean against the railing and I think about my life. The stars. I love the stars. The storms rolling in. The lightening on the horizon. The breeze in my hair. Alone. Alone with God.
Can I see it for what it is? Can I reach past the fear and find the truth? Because I am afraid of spending my life lonely. I'm not afraid of being alone, I don't think. I'm just afraid of being lonely. Of finding that I am not enough, that I am not worthy of love. I'm afraid of not being lovely. And I breathe it deep. There is peace here. Leaning secure on that railing. Beauty making me and my worries shrink. He calls me lovely. He does! And feelings.... Well, I know they can't be trusted. But I trust Him. I trust Him. I trust Him. I want to trust Him, really I do. And so I breathe the prayer out in a whisper... Lord, I do believe. Help my unbelief. I believe you make me lovely. Help me to believe.