A Whisper for the Weak - Beloved Before the First Step

Live for today.  Hear the whisper again and feel the assurance: you are My Beloved.  Don't take a step until you've heard it, felt it deep.  You are My Beloved and you always will be.  Before you do anything, I love you.  Be faithful today.  Be full of the kind of faith that trusts enough to walk one step at a time and gathers manna, relishing the "what is it"s.

********

The way she said it rings in my ears.  It came in response to my anguished question, a question too big for me, too big for now, about this life I'm trying so hard to live daily... "What IS it?!"  Her laughter, an upside-down kind of laughter, one of joyful surrender, it rang warm.  "That is manna. You just said manna!"  And I feel pressed for time as I try to clothe it all in words.  I'm about to be swept into the swift current of the day, but right now I'm thinking about manna, listening for the Whisper.  I forget my need sometimes, or I just get it wrong.  I don't need the answer... I need the mystery.  "What is it?" sustains because He whispers that I am His Beloved (And what a mystery it is!  God loves me?!).  Sovereign God, has chosen it to be so.  When I give up the clawing for the answer, I find that the mystery - that which God always, faithfully provides out of His love, the manna - it sustains.  And I don't know how or why, but I am filled.  Beloved before the first step.  If I have nothing else, it is enough.

French Press, China, and the Flow of Influence

She left my favorite cup full of fresh french press coffee sitting on the table before she rushed out the door.  I see it and the tears start to flow.  Those five letters scrawled in red that grab my heart - C-H-I-N-A.  I pour the cream and the memories and the heart cries pour forth.  One Thousand Gifts words come like a flood. "I am blessed.  I can bless."  I missed it the first time, but it's so clear today.  And sometimes we need to read things twice, thrice, or more.  Read our lives over and over again, praying that we will see.  What miracle is this!  I am blessed, and I can bless.  And it is not for me to manipulate and strive, for God, never-ending God, makes a way... always a way.  So I pray, and I trust that He will use me to bless just like He uses the pianist, and the roommates, and the dear friends, and the children, and the colleagues, and the boss. The flow in my life becomes clear before my eyes.  I would hear the words later and they would ring true and help shape my Sanity Manifesto.  Influence (and that's precisely what I am praying for... for influence, to bless) is just that, the flowing in.  And I look at what's flowing into my life.  So many blessings!  And I wonder what's flowing out?  Could I be the blessing?

And the Spirit warms more than the coffee, and she may never realize how God used that simple action.  And maybe I... maybe I don't want to know how I'm blessing because pride creeps so near, a constant companion.  Perhaps God hides some things from us to save us from ourselves.  I long to stay humble, to savor the miracle, to call it that, because I am a mess.  One blessed mess!  And tomorrow I will be impatient and I will grow angry and I will forget to be thankful and He will love anyway and grant me the grace of two.  Such glory I am allowed to walk in!  Such glory flowing all around, flowing in, influencing my every move.  And I thirst for it.  I long for His Spirit to flow into me.  I long to see the blessings flowing in and to call them what they are: miracles! And I long to remember that my life can influence too.  Blessings can flow on through me because He lives in me, just like He lives in each of them.  So I ask myself: What's flowing?  And I open hands and heart that it may flow on.

Learning How to Live - My Own Sanity Manifesto

For over a month now, I have been meditating on Ann Voskamp's Sanity Manifesto, trying to live it, to absorb it, to make it my own, to let God use it in my life.  But when I fell back into a battle with that old foe, thorn in my side, anxiety, God began to work and here are some elements that I pray God will use to transform me.  These are the 15 phrases that make up my own Sanity Manifesto, the thoughts that drive me back to the throne of grace, keep my feet grounded, let my heart soar, remind me of the eternal, of the divine, of the full life that I am trying so hard to find, and of the gracious God who loves deep and constant.  These are 15 prayers of transformation and sanctification, and the next many posts will be my story, plain and simple, as I try to learn to fully live here, because it looks good on a page and it sounds good the way she clothes it all in poetic language, but to live it... to live it is hard.  To believe it is hard.  And I am so thankful for the way the Spirit moves and provides insight and precious companions to walk by my side.  Perhaps this will inspire you... I pray it does.  But if nothing else, it is teaching me to listen, to fight, to choose life and trust and daily bread.

1) Rehearse the refrain - Repeat the things you know.  Sing them over and over.  God is good and faithful.  His loving kindness endures forever.  He calls you to purpose and He will do it!
2)  Gather the Manna - It's all about DAILY bread.  Look and see what God is providing because He does and He will every single day.
3) Beloved before the first step - Before you make your first move, listen for the gentle whisper of God calling you His Beloved.  Find your center, your identity in this: you are His beloved son or daughter before you do anything.
4) Faithful today - Don't worry about tomorrow.  Be faithful in all things, especially the small things, today.  Devote yourself to prayer being watchful and thankful.
5) One at a time - Focus your attention on one thing at a time.  Build one brick at a time.  Love one person at a time.  Don't give in to the temptation to multitask.  Live one thing at a time.
6) Sing your song out loud - It's just cathartic to sing the songs you love, that refresh your soul with beauty and truth.  Sing them out loud.
7) Influence: What's flowing? - What's flowing into your life?  What's flowing out?  What influence are you having that you may not even realize?
8) Marvel in the mystery - The things of God are beyond our ability to grasp.  Mystery makes them God-things and they are good.  Marvel at it.  Let it drive you to worship.  Surrender your need for control so you might enjoy it.
9) Give it up, Give it over - Could've, should've, would've, what if, if only, am I enough?  Give it up.  Give it all over and lay it on the altar.
10) Count gifts - The little, beautiful reminders of God's love.  Set a goal for the number of gifts you'll thank God for each day.  Look for three things a day that stir your soul to thank God.  Stay thankful, stay joyful, find grace.
11) Breath prayers: Kyrie Eleison - Make "Lord have mercy" a prayer you breathe.  Center yourself on it.  Remember your need, your weakness, and let it keep you humble, for God draws near to the humble.
12) What the heart knows by heart, the heart knows - This is Ann's, not mine, but it is so crucial.  Memorize scripture, let the truth sink in, meditate on it day and night.  What the heart knows, you can stand firm on, no matter what challenges may come, or how your mind might rebel.
13) Questions sustain - Manna literally means "What is it?"  Don't strive for answers in this life.  They may never come this side of eternity.  By the grace of God, we can eat the questions, the mystery, and find nourishment for our souls.
14) Give bad days to the Redeemer - Some days are rough.  Happens.  Give them to Jesus and let Him redeem them.  It's what He does.
15) Light a candle - Feel the weight of darkness closing in?  Light a candle, remember you are the light of the world and He is the light in you and He will light your way.

Christmas Carols and Funeral Marches

I got behind in my Bible study, Jesus the One and Only, so today, just 10 days before Christmas, I am reading about the Betrayal, the Last Supper, and the Crucifixion.  It's a little bit strange, and yet the news reminds me that this is life.  Christmas carols and funeral marches playing in counterpoint.  Bitter herbs and sweet wine.  Tears and thanksgiving.  Redemption and waiting.  And I feel like I've written all this before.  And I have.  But it's just becoming more and more real to me.  27 dead in Connecticut shooting, most of them children.  What a broken, crazy world we live in!  Bitter herbs reminding us of the bondage and the fall and the need for a savior.  And in some strange way, the joy of Christmas shines a little brighter against the darkness for me today.

I was singing "O Christmas Tree" to my kindergartners yesterday and we were talking about evergreens and how people began decorating these trees during the winter to remind them of hope and the fact that spring was coming.  Though it gets too cold for many of the trees to keep their leaves, the leaves of evergreen trees stay green and never fall.  They don't know the depth of it all, but someday they will.  I grieve today for families who have lost so much and children whose innocence has been so badly marred.  Yet by some miracle, I find my heart rejoicing because Christ has come and He has redeemed us.  The Lamb of God fulfilled the plan of redemption, and he has saved and is transforming and sanctifying all those who are willing to accept His gift.  No matter how bitter cold evil makes this world, that Tree stands as a reminder of hope.  Spring is coming.  Maranatha.  The Lord comes.  The Lord came on Christmas, the cross in clear view, and He is coming again.  We, His Body, live as a reminder.

And I ask the questions too.  If you are with us, God, and you heal wounds and bind up the brokenhearted, if you win, what keeps you from ending all of this?  If you came to redeem the world, why are you waiting so long to come again?  I don't have answers and I wouldn't dare try to give one, but I know God is good because He came and saved us, and He will come again.  So I cry, "Lord, come quickly.  Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth and it is in Heaven."  And I cry, "How long, O Sovereign Lord?!"  But amid the cries, I hear the call: Child of God, rise up!  Live love, and live slow.  Watching all this through the eyes of one called to teach humbles me.  These precious lives God has entrusted me with!  I will have an impact on them whether I like it or not, and I pray that God will equip me and the Holy Spirit will fill me and that no matter how crazy life gets, I won't miss it.  I don't want to miss looking into the eyes of those precious little ones and loving them and nurturing them into the people they will become.  I don't want to miss it with my kids; I don't want to miss it with anyone I come in contact with!

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.  Let us live pure religion by remaining unpolluted in this broken world.  Let us not forget the things these days are stirring in us, the desire to hold our children tighter and recognize the value of life, the desire to be more like Jesus.  He came.  He showed us how to Live.  He died.  He set us free to Live.  He rose again.  He showed us we would Live forever.  He is coming again.  He gave us hope to Live.  Let us Live!

Advent: A Celebration of Waiting

Today marks the first day of Advent, a time when we remember the wait for a coming King.  I find myself wondering what it must have been like waiting for the Messiah.  Four hundred years of silence and waiting for the Promised One who would come and save.  I think of the words of my favorite Christmas carol: O come, o come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel who mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appears. Oh, but Rejoice!  Rejoice!  Emmanuel has come to thee oh Israel!  And it is true.  Emmanuel, God with us, the with of God, the presence of God, the walk with you, live with you, pitch my tent among you God is here.  He has come, and we rejoice!  God is with us.  Grace is everywhere because God is with us.

And yet we still wait.  We wait for the second coming.  We wait for tears to be no more.  We wait for the full redemption of this broken world when Christ comes in a flash of power and glory.  Because life is tragic at times, frail and unpredictable.  It is that strange ugly-beautiful.  What is grace?  What is grace is a broken, waiting world?  What is grace in the passing of a 10-year-old from cancer?  In the mother of four who may live paralyzed?  What is grace in the silence, in the waiting, in the darkness, depression, and anxiety?  Where is grace in the promises yet to be fulfilled?  I wonder.  I Know of grace.  I believe in grace, but what is it?

Is it in God on the other side?  I think so.  I think it is knowing that at the end of the road of pain and sorrow God is and has been with us.  And I don't mean it in that cliche "footprints in the sand" kind of way.  Because when you walk the long, hard path of captivity, mourning in lonely exile and brokenness, it doesn't feel like grace.  Advent is not so clear, or worth celebrating.  Who celebrates the waiting, really?  But we live.  Through all of it, we live and God comes.  God is on the other side.  We have the Body and the Blood and the Resurrection and the God who dove into the mess of it all just to be with us.  Just to be with us!  Emmanuel.

So rejoice!  Rejoice!  God has come to thee.  I feel the question rising.  How?  Rejoice always.  How?  What is rejoicing wrapped in pain?  Rejoicing wrapped in pain is hope that opens the heart to a peace beyond understanding.  Rejoicing wrapped in pain looks no more like rejoicing than God wrapped in the skin of a newborn baby looks like God.  When it's time to mourn, it is time to mourn but there is still the gentle glow of a heart that can rejoice because Emmanuel has come to them and He is coming again.  God is on the other side.  And I pray it's written on my heart today for that moment when the darkness falls: rejoice, oh my soul, though the world around you crumbles and your heart with it, rejoice, for God With Us has come to thee!

Jesus said to the Pharisees in Luke 17, "The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed, nor will people say 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you."  Yes!  Our pastor said it this morning and how true it is.  Emmanuel, the with of God, did not just come for the broken, He comes through the deeply broken.  He is not just with us; He is within us.  And often, that makes the Kingdom hard to observe.  As hard as finding a King sleeping within a baby in a manger in a small town in Israel.

Blast from the Past

I saw an old friend over Thanksgiving break.  I can't believe I hadn't seen him in something like five years, but he was gracious enough to brave the traffic and pick me up from DFW airport on Sunday.  Chivalry is not dead, ladies and gentleman! :)  Anyway, I guess seeing him again got me feeling a little nostalgic, so I find myself on this Friday evening flipping through some old recordings on iTunes from my songwriting days.  (Those of you who have only known me for the last few years may be shocked that I ever wrote songs!)  The truth is that I miss those days.  It actually breaks my heart a little that I don't write like I once did.  It really breaks my heart that I don't remember how to play any of those songs anymore!  I used to have dreams of making an album.  It would have been called "Beautiful Again..."  But seasons are seasons, and there is a time for everything under the sun, I suppose.  For now, I am content with my journal musings with God, a few poems here and there, and singing "Naughty Kitty Cat" to my kiddos at school.   Maybe the seasons will change again in the future.  Maybe not.  Nevertheless, here are a couple of those old songs for your enjoyment!

I am reminded of this fact as I traverse memory lane: the path we walk with God is a path of victory and redemption.  We move from glory to glory, and God is good.

Beautiful Soul

Stephanie Frakes

November 16, 2009

Sometimes the pain is more than she can hide

Sometimes the battle raged is more than she can fight

And she cries but no one hears her

Yeah, she cries, but she won’t let you see her

But He knows and the scars on her arms tear Him apart

He knows and He wants her to know she holds His heart

He loves the tortured, beautiful soul

She can’t explain this feeling here inside

She slipping away no matter how hard she tries

And she cries but no one hears her

Yeah, she cries but she won’t let you see her

And the tears smear the ink as she pours out herself

She’s down on her knees and she's crying for help

And He says…

I know and the scars on your arms tore me apart 

Now you’re whole, and I want you to know you hold my heart

I love, I love, I love you, my beautiful soul

Beautiful Again

Lyrics by: Stephanie Frakes and Jacob Wallace

Music by: Stephanie Frakes

July 11, 2009

Broken daughter, won’t you look into My eyes?

Broken daughter, can’t you see the blood of Christ?

It came to cleanse you, and to make you new again

Beautiful again, Beautiful

Like the stars in the sky shine through the darkest night

Beautifully for you, Beautiful

Look up and remember you're Mine

Broken daughter, won’t you stand here by My side?

Broken daughter, can’t you feel the love of Christ?

It came to heal you and to make you new again 

And even behind the clouds the stars still shine

And even when you doubt, darling, you’re still Mine

Look up and remember

You'll never be called broken

You are forever Mine

The Ugly-Beautiful - Music that preaches the gospel

I just came home from the recital of a former professor and very dear friend.  I am simply trying to process it all.  There is so much.  It was so deep.  I mean the programming was exquisite.  This poignant, powerful, almost brooding music and then closing with the second movement of a Schubert sonata... Hope.  The music itself was the cross.  Sorrow and beauty colliding.  The gospel, where light meets dark and death meets life and tears meet joyful hope.  It was the beauty of the broken.  Not the beauty in the broken.  The beauty of the broken.  And there was this moment in the Chopin she played where the funeral march gives way to this poignant lyrical section, and I could sense every soul in the room reaching.  It's as if I held my heart in my hand, like I held the breath in my lungs, and just lifted it, reaching to place my broken mess in God's hands and eternity washed over me anew.  And the Schubert was the smile through the tears.  The moment when the prodigal son lays his head on the Father's chest (like the beloved disciple reclined against Jesus at the last supper) and the Father whispers, "You were dead, but now you are alive again." And the son hears the beat of a heart so full of love it aches.

Then there's the pianist and how her performance is how I long to live: given over, holding nothing back, heart laid bare on the altar, no fear of the depths.  Could we ever live every day like that, believing that God is so glorious and good and holy that the broken is beautiful in His presence, when given over completely to Him?  Let it be so, Lord!  Let it be so! And the contrast of the words I wrote in my journal yesterday ("There are no fancy words tonight.  I am simply in pain.") with what I write tonight is not lost on me.  There is so much pain, so many wounds that need healing, but the miracle of God is that, while we may need to wait for pain to be soothed and wounds to be healed, we do not need to wait for beauty and joy.  I think I'm starting to get it now: the ugly-beautiful.  It's a funeral march that captures you.  It's the longings that will never be fulfilled that stir your passion. It's a Father running to meet his filthy, straight-from-the-pig-pen son and covering him in kisses.  It's Peter denying Jesus and still be entrusted by the Savior Himself to feed His sheep.  It's the way God uses pain to shape us into who we really are: His image-bearers.  It's the unfailing love that causes a prophet to buy back a wife from prostitution.  The ugly-beautiful.  And it exists only because of the greatness of our God.