This weekend has been good. A much needed extra day of rest. Rain. Moments of deep connection and reconciliation. Laughter. Words that fill the soul. Paradigm shifts that can change everything. There have been moments over the last few days where I have felt genuinely free for the first time in a long time. Where I have felt like my heart is whole and the weight on my shoulders has been lifted. I've felt like I could breathe. I'm learning to whisper it to myself in the moments when I want to criticize or perform or demand... Enjoy. And it changes everything.
But the hours of the weekend tick away and as Monday morning draws closer, the fear and the anxiety rise within me. The cry of "Not enough!" bubbles to the surface. They will demand of me tomorrow. I will feel pulled in a million different directions. I will go back to feeling fragmented and worn. So here's my question and I'm not sure I have an answer - How do I keep living whole-heartedly in a world that demands pieces of me left and right? I want nothing more than to live whole and live free. But how?
I read it once and I used to live it. Thanksgiving turns what we have into enough. Singing the song of Eucharisteo is easy when there is space and time and the gifts are obvious. But when it is hard to even draw breath, will I still sing? I keep wishing that life would slow down, just for awhile, that it would let me rest and catch up. But it's not going to, not for awhile at least. Can I learn contentment here? Can I still enjoy even as swiftly as life is moving past? It is hard. It is so hard to live present and to enjoy the moment. But I want to. So can I do just one more day?