There are some days when I just want to be done. There are days when the weariness is deep and I just don't want to deal with it all anymore. I get tired of dealing with the brokenness and the things I want to fix but can't. I get tired of feeling like I'm not enough. I get tired of doing the same thing over and over every day and nothing ever changing. The light just gets really hard to see.
And the best way to describe it is deep soul weariness.
Sometimes life can feel like wandering through the wilderness. Walking in circles in the desert. Getting nowhere. And I want to be the kind of faithful Christ-follower who counts it all as gift and faithfully remembers to scoop up the manna each morning and rejoices in His consistent providence. But I'll be real honest... Sometimes I lose my taste for manna. Sometimes I want more. And here's what I look like when I'm in that place:
I am an anxious wreck.
I take everything personally.
I poorly manage my time.
I become hypercritical of everyone around me, especially those I love most.
I am fragile.
I want to cry all the time.
I don't want to get up in the morning.
I can't sleep.
I run away from people, or worse, do all I can to push them away.
I develop a sharp tongue.
I am easily angered.
I am insensitive and selfish.
I am cynical, even in the face of Life-giving truth.
I stop being a good steward of my home, my body, and the other gifts I've been given.
And worst of all, I am completely aware of it and that bugs me and so I start spiraling deeper into the darkness of the pit until I can't see the way out. And I want to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and start climbing my way out. But everything feels so fake and forced and I keep slipping back down and I. Just. Can't.
And that's why I need you, my friend. That's why we need community. And this is crazy for me to say as a self-proclaimed over the top introvert and constant nurturer. I need you. I need you as much as you need me, maybe more. I need you to reach down a hand and lift me up. I need you to come knock on my tent and say "Hey, it's morning. Let's go gather our manna again." And then lead me with a strong hand in the right direction. I need you to remind me of the truth. I need you to lift up my weary arms and put words before God that I can't. Because we both know that the things of this world are not enough and I have got to keep going back to the Source of Living Water and drinking deep or I. Will. Die. But sometimes I'm too weary to take a step. I'm dying of thirst but I'm to tired to lift my head and drink. And I need you. And that is the only way we are going to get through this wilderness... together.