Saturday, October 11, 2014

31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 11 - I Sometimes Cry

It's strange how the heart has it's own sense of time, and knows when anniversaries come around, even if our minds want to forget them.  My heart knows that a year ago tomorrow is when he asked me to be his girl, and then two months later we parted ways.  My mind says I should be over it by now, but the tears fall anyway.  I thought he was the one.  I thought it was finally time for all these longing in my heart to be fulfilled and all those dreams to come true.  It wasn't.  It's really that simple.  God has His timing and it's not always the same as mine and that is good.  Truly.  But that doesn't take away the pain. 

And normally I would keep this all in the privacy of my own journal, except I got a message from a friend the other day.  A message about jealousy and frustration and bitterness and resentment and unfulfilled longing and the fight to keep trusting.   And I typed back through tears.  I get you.  I understand completely.  I know what it feels like to count the gifts every day, and every day have that pang of longing stab you in the heart.  I know what it is to be content, happy even, but still feel this constant ache.  I know how hard it is to celebrate for others over and over while you are still waiting.  I know what it feels like to have the seed of your dream buried in the dark earth and watch it die.  I know what it feels like to wait for resurrection.  I think we all know that.

I remember I was 15.  We were out with the youth group and my friend whispers it soft, "You know, sometimes I cry, because I just wonder if these dreams will ever come true." (We were apparently very deep feeling teenagers.)  Her words stuck with me, and I wrote this song.  Because, yeah, sometimes we cry.  Sometimes we lie awake at night and wonder when the waiting will end.  But in the waiting and our deep need for Hope, we meet God.  In the lack of answers and the battle for faith, God meets us.  And He is a God who loves transforming pain into beauty, including transforming tears of sorrow into tears of joy.  So, here's a little something from the journal of 15 year old me, because it's been playing in my head over and over the last few days.

I Sometimes Cry

Verse 1:
I have dreams of what my life should be
I have a future I would like to see
But nothing ever turns out how I planned
It seems the pain is more than I can stand
So I clutch the pieces of my broken heart
Wishing I could make a whole new start
Take back all of these mistakes I’ve made
Wishing they’d all fade like the day

And I, I sometimes cry
And there are times I lie awake at night
I long for love
I long to be held tight
I’ll confess to you
I sometimes cry

Verse 2:
Tell me there’s a purpose to this pain
‘Cause I know that I’ll never be the same
I’ve been here so many times before
And I just pray
That I’ll get out once more

 And I, I sometimes cry
And there are times I lie awake at night
I long for love
I long to be held tight
I’ll confess to you
I sometimes...

You’ve proven faithful time and time again
You say you’ll work it all out in the end
I’ve come face to face with all your truth
And I realize all I need is you

Chorus 2:
And I, I sometimes cry
And there are times I’ll lie awake at night
You show me love, and God you hold me tight
You shield my heart, and guide me with your light
You took the cross, and Lord you changed my life
When I see your love, I can’t help but cry                       

Stephanie M. Frakes
(October 31, 2005)

1 comment:

Jen @ Growing in Faith said...

I love your honesty here...especially how you said it's hard to be happy for others when you're still waiting. Amen, sister! Most days, it's not a problem for me. Some days though, the loneliness is more apparent and I struggle.

But it's all in His timing.

Glad I found my way here tonight!