Thursday, October 9, 2014

31 Days of Trusting Grace - Day 9 - Grace Shines Through

It's there in neon lights in the middle of town.  I've always loved that about this place, and maybe that's why I'm still here, because where else are those words going to stand as some shining reminder for this woman who is such a good forgetter?  "THE GRACE."  And normally I see it and I smile soft and exhale long.  Ah, yes, Lord.  The sheer Grace of it all!  But today... today I'm fighting again.  My inner critic is ruthless and cannot be silenced, not for sleep, not for work, not for play.  I wonder if anyone else has this same experience?  The unceasing whisper of "not good enough" playing in her ear.  And today it just feels like too much.  I can't catch my breath.  My lungs feel tight.  Tears sting at my eyes, but I'm trying to run a rehearsal, trying to hold it together.  And it's like this pulsing crescendo.  And I can't put a finger on why the fear is there, why the anxiety is surfacing, but I don't feel like I can fight anymore.

So I do the only thing I know.  I get alone, and I let the tears fall silent down.  I write about seeing grace in lights as the tears smack the keyboard.  And I cry out to a God who catches my tears in a bottle.  I shoot a text to a couple of friends.  "Struggling tonight.  Will you pray for grace?  Hold my arms up?  Because I'm running out of strength."  And they do, because that's what the Body is for.  That's how Jesus says the world will know us... when we show love for one another.  And slowly, but surely, grace creeps in and the anxiety passes.  And that's the thing.  I am always so scared that this time it won't, but it always does.  It passes.  Sometimes the night is really, really long, but the promise always holds true - Joy comes in the morning.  The storm, the struggle always passes.  The battle, the waiting always ends.  And The Grace?  It never fails.  His Grace always shines, always breaks through.  Not always in my time, but every time... Grace.  Shines.  Through.    

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